Achingforlove's commentsComments On: EverythingArticles Blogs Journals Photos created by: EveryoneAchingforlove Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry07 Feb 2008 02:14 PM Wow, that analogy to a jellyfish hits the definition of a narcissist right on the nose! I also just read on some other blog on NPD that a narcissist is like a tornado...Wherever they touch down they tear apart their families & leave people seriously wounded. How accurate that is! I think that's one of the things that bothers me most about my mother - that she intentionally causes me such horrible pain (& thoroughly enjoys it), yet she seems to have no clue whatsoever as to how much she hurts me. When I try to explain to people what it's like having her for a mom, people generally feel like I should just blow her off (as if that was easy!) and/or forgive her because she has a mental illness. How on earth can I just act as if her cruelties are "no big deal" or that they shouldn't bother me so much? I hate it when people say stuff like, "She can't help it. She's sick, remember?" Oh, but she CAN help it! She is so deliberate & calculating with her hatred toward me. Does anyone out there have a suggestion of something you've tried with your mom that seems to work? I've done a lot of research on NPD & so I have a really good knowledge about what the disorder is all about. The one thing I haven't been able to come up with, however, is how to deal with/confront a NPD parent about their deplorable behavior without it smashing right back in my own face. I know a lot of people just cut themselves off entirely from that parent, which is what I've been trying to do for years, but even if I don't have direct contact with her, I still have the rest of my family to deal with (who basically demand that I be nice to her because, when I'm not, then they have to suffer for it.) I do not want to be cut off from my entire family just because there's basically one rotten apple in the bunch. The problem is that my siblings sometimes see ME as the rotten apple because I'm the one rocking the boat (that's what they call it when I ask to be treated with respect)! No matter what I do, or don't do, I always feel like I've made the wrong decision, which always leads to more pain. Have any of you ever successfully tried to inform other family members of your mom's mental illness? The web of deceit & cover ups runs so deeply in my family that even though all of my siblings know our family is not normal, they do not want to blame our mom for the problems she causes. I have always been the family scapegoat, & so as long as I allow myself to be my mom's primary target of abuse, they are okay with that. I hate being in this position, because I feel like they don't care about my feelings anymore than my mom does. If you've felt the same way & you have found something that works for you, please share your idea . Thanks! Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry01 Feb 2008 03:03 PM My NPD mother was sadistically cruel to me as a teenager, especially, doing things like hiding my textbooks the night before exams so I'd panic & frantically have to search the house so I could study, pretend that I was invisible & intentionally bump into me & then say to my siblings something like, "Hmm, that's funny...I could swear I just bumped into something but there's nothing there!", grab an armful of my clothes out of my closet on a rainy day & take them outside & stomp all over them till they got really muddy, stuff like that. My teenage years were nothing short of a daily living nightmare with her. It came out recently that my brothers had sexually abused me all throughought my childhood (I was actually hospitalized twice due to terrifyingly horrendous flashbacks) & although both of my brothers have apologized to me on the phone for the abuse, they have denied it to our mother. My therapists say they lied to her because they are just as terrified of her wrath as I am. She was never there for me then & today tells everyone what a liar I am for making up such horrible stories. I have written to her numerous times begging her to listen to me now & believe the truth, but I know that, with her being a narcissist, that's pretty unlikely that that will ever happen. She is planning a big family reunion out on the west coast this summer (I live in the midwest) & I just sent her a very long letter, including that I will not make an appearance, if she is unable to accept the truth & remains unwilling to spend any one-on-one time with me prior to that. For years & I have been asking her out to lunch, etc. just to try to start to develop a mature, loving relationship with her, & she turns me down every time. I know I will get a great deal of horrendous fall-out for this & I am prepared for that. Over the past several years I have "cut off ties" with her several times, but something always seems to pull me back into her life. I realize that she is incapable of ever loving me like a mother ought to love her daughter & I'm just so sick of playing along with her mental games that I really would like to be able to cut her off from my life for good. She plays mind games with my 12 year old son, too, & that's where I draw the line. I don't want him to have to bear the same negative influences from her that I've had to all my life. I did not attend the last big reunion last year for the same reason. She tells the world what a close, loving family she has, which of course is a bunch of baloney. I can stand her continuing abuse & would like nothing more to do with her for my own sanity & that of my son. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with the ever-present hatred & torture of my mother? |
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