Adult and still being abused…

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Daughter 2 years, 10 months ago.

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  • #174531

    NoelleHeart

    Hello… this is going to be kind of a long post, but please bear with me. I have to pour my heart out. I have no one to tell this to in real life and I am so desperate.

    I am 28 years old and am still being abused by my mother. I am getting really desperate- I have no way out and I just can’t handle it anymore.

    My mother hurts me in lots of different ways. She has not been physically abusive very often in the last few years (I fought back finally… before that she would hit me with a belt, a ladle, and a switch), but her emotional abuse is constant and incredible. She literally never lets up. She has made it clear to me since I was a small child that she didn’t want me (she had me to try to keep my father from divorcing her- it didn’t work). She is constantly, constantly, constantly abusive to me. I don’t know how to stress enough how she never ever gives it a rest or leaves me alone. No matter what I do, I am lazy, stupid, selfish, worthless, useless, ugly, fat, a waste of air, a waste of her time, a mistake. She tells me regularly that my birth was not worth the trouble it took her and that it’s my fault my father didn’t stay around.

    I have never left home. Every chance I’ve had to get away or do something new, my mother has prevented it. For example, I was an A+ student and got a full scholarship to a private high school, but she would not let me take it. She then pulled me out of public high school before I could graduate, because she did not want me going away to college. I still have not gotten a diploma or GED because she doesn’t want me to have one.

    I have no way of leaving because I have no money and no one to go to. I work a low paying job at a mini mart and get paid $6 an hour (I’m not qualified for anything else…). My boss pays me “under the table” and doesn’t report it because I’m not even supposed to work there with no GED. I have no driver’s license. She knows I am dependent on her for everything, and that’s the way she wants it. She has told me that she doesn’t want me to leave because she enjoys having control over me. I have no friends. I barely leave the house. She will not allow me to have a pet or a romantic relationship. I tried to take care of a stray cat once and she took it away and left it in a different neighborhood across town. She told me she hoped he got run over.

    I have tried to get help a couple of times but no one seems to care. They tell me it’s my own fault for being an adult and living at home (as though I am staying here because I want to). It really hurts me to hear this so I just don’t look for help anymore. It frustrates me that if it were a husband abusing me I could get help, but because it’s my parent I just get told to deal with it myself. What am I supposed to do???????

    I am so desperate to get away from her that I am considering suicide. I am completely alone and have no hope for ever leaving. I am peniless and can’t even prostitute myself because I’m fat and ugly (yes I have even considered that. I need money to get away). I really can’t explain how trapped I am or how I have no options. I have NO ONE.

    I don’t even know why I have written this all out. I don’t think there are any organisations that help adults being abused by their parents. Maybe it is my fault that I can’t get out??? Other people seem to manage it somehow. Sorry for this long post.

    #912007

    amos514

    You have to be strong!!! Tell her that you cannot tolerate this anymore and leave!! You have options, and giving up on yourself and life is not one of them!! You have no other family? Your father? People start over all the time. Start with a cheap motel that you can rent by the week and slowly build your “own” life. Go get your GED and get a better job. Why can’t you get you DL? Take care, and my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!:confused:

    #912052

    MissyChrissy

    Go to an emergency room and tell them you’re thinking of killing yourself-they’ll put you in a crisis center. There, you will have psychiatrists and therapists who can help you sort out a plan for your future. It has to be one thing at a time-but you CAN build a life for yourself.

    Stop thinking of reasons why such and such won’t work…go out and get help. Even if you have to fudge a little, I know there’s help out there for suicidal people. And, really, it doesn’t sound like you’d be fudging suicidal ideation at all.

    (((HUGS))) We’re here. We care. Please keep us posted. Seek help. 1-800-SUICIDE if you’re in the United States. They can help you find a crisis center nearby. Or just call an ambulance. Good luck hon.

    #912056

    NoelleHeart

    Thanks for the reply and prayers. As I mentioned above, it is not just as simple as saying “enough” and walking out. If it were I would have done it ten years ago or more. I have been over this in my head time and time again without luck.

    Let me explain more how I have thought… Renting a cheap room or motel- I simply can’t do it on my own at six dollars an hour and still afford food and personal items. Even if I could, I would still have the main problem: no longer having a way to get to work or anywhere else. I live in a rural area in the middle of nowhere (I mean, 30min+ drive to the closest wal*mart). To tell the truth I don’t even know where the nearest motel is.

    As for getting my license (or GED)… the same problem of no transportation. This is not the kind of place where you can hop on a bus or take a taxi. (Aside from the fact that I would need driving lessons as I have never so much as sat behind the wheel of a car- which makes it even more impossible. Nor do I have a car to practise on or to use if I did get the license).

    By the way no, I have no one. My father has not seen nor spoken to me since I was a small child. I have no other family that I know and no friends at all.

    This is why I say that I am trapped. Believe me, I have been over this time and time and time again. I am not a lazy person or one who is just looking for sympathy without wanting to help myself. When I say that there is no way out, it is because I have been looking for years but coming up with no solutions.

    Edit (just saw the second response): that’s a good idea, but when they decide I have to leave where do I go? As you can probably guess, if I called an ambulance or went to a crisis center it would be a permanent. I would be far too afraid to go back to my mother’s house ever (not that she’d probably let me in), not even to get my clothes. I’d have to be 100% certain that I had a plan of where to go afterwards or I’d wind up homeless, which would be just as bad but in a different way :-(

    #912057

    MissyChrissy

    I repeat, go to an emergency room-they can put you inpatient somewhere because you’re suicidal. While you’re impatient, you will talk about this stuff your mom has done-they will help you find somewhere to go. Believe me-I worked in mental health long enough. There is help out there, but you have to be willing to go out and get it.

    As for insurance, they’ll help you apply for medicaid. They can help you get enrolled in school and you can work on getting your license once you’re on your own. You simply need to make it to a hospital that has psychiatric care available…or any ER and they can transport you.

    #912076

    JeanLynn81

    Why not use the internet to find a shelter fairly nearby, that will let you stay and help you find a job and get your life on track?

    #916461

    For little Elza

    Your first step is your GED. Look into community college. Don’t look at the entire picture of what you need to do all at one time. Take one thing first, do whatever it takes to be successful with that one thing, then start to set your sights a little higher. Please PM me if you need to talk more… my mother is also very abusive and has tried to sabotage many of the good things in my life.

    #916468

    mcmama

    I understand what you mean by the rural area, low paying job, and isolation. I really do get this. You really have no place to go.

    But, you do, really, have some choices. If you followed MissyChrissys advice and reached out for help, the question of “where do I go” could get some folks involved to help you solve that. And it lets your mom know that the winds of change are blowing. The abuse is not your fault – but staying in a rut when you know things have to change or you will kill yourself is something you can have some control over. It is not easy, but you do have some choices, limited though they may be. And you do not have to solve all problems all at once.

    Since you have internet access, it may be possible to get your ged online. Check out this article with some links to colleges which may be able to help you:
    [URL="http://distancelearn.about.com/od/virtualhighschools/a/onlinehs.htm"]http://distancelearn.about.com/od/virtualhighschools/a/onlinehs.htm[/URL]

    In some rural areas in the USA there are missions and churches which provide social services help, assist with housing (and repair of housing) and food/shelter problems, and also have counseling available. You don’t have to be a believer to benefit from many of these, and often they are done as a Christian witness to live the gospel rather than get converts and members or “save” people. I am involved with one in Virginia/tennessee which repairs houses.

    I may be able to suggest something that could help you if you want to private message me your location.

    #1003470

    monsterbab

    Hope you still check in! Tell us how you’re doing.

    The reason you tell us a lot of reasons why you can’t leave your mother is that you have been scripted — by her — to have no confidence at all, and to believe — as you do believe — that even in a society like ours, where there are lots of options for help, you just can’t believe you can make it without her.

    We can help you re-write the script for your life.

    So talk to us.

    #1045425

    sbonds

    [QUOTE][/QUOTE][quote=NoelleHeart]Hello… this is going to be kind of a long post, but please bear with me. I have to pour my heart out. I have no one to tell this to in real life and I am so desperate.

    I am 28 years old and am still being abused by my mother. I am getting really desperate- I have no way out and I just can’t handle it anymore.

    My mother hurts me in lots of different ways. She has not been physically abusive very often in the last few years (I fought back finally… before that she would hit me with a belt, a ladle, and a switch), but her emotional abuse is constant and incredible. She literally never lets up. She has made it clear to me since I was a small child that she didn’t want me (she had me to try to keep my father from divorcing her- it didn’t work). She is constantly, constantly, constantly abusive to me. I don’t know how to stress enough how she never ever gives it a rest or leaves me alone. No matter what I do, I am lazy, stupid, selfish, worthless, useless, ugly, fat, a waste of air, a waste of her time, a mistake. She tells me regularly that my birth was not worth the trouble it took her and that it’s my fault my father didn’t stay around.

    I have never left home. Every chance I’ve had to get away or do something new, my mother has prevented it. For example, I was an A+ student and got a full scholarship to a private high school, but she would not let me take it. She then pulled me out of public high school before I could graduate, because she did not want me going away to college. I still have not gotten a diploma or GED because she doesn’t want me to have one.

    I have no way of leaving because I have no money and no one to go to. I work a low paying job at a mini mart and get paid $6 an hour (I’m not qualified for anything else…). My boss pays me “under the table” and doesn’t report it because I’m not even supposed to work there with no GED. I have no driver’s license. She knows I am dependent on her for everything, and that’s the way she wants it. She has told me that she doesn’t want me to leave because she enjoys having control over me. I have no friends. I barely leave the house. She will not allow me to have a pet or a romantic relationship. I tried to take care of a stray cat once and she took it away and left it in a different neighborhood across town. She told me she hoped he got run over.

    I have tried to get help a couple of times but no one seems to care. They tell me it’s my own fault for being an adult and living at home (as though I am staying here because I want to). It really hurts me to hear this so I just don’t look for help anymore. It frustrates me that if it were a husband abusing me I could get help, but because it’s my parent I just get told to deal with it myself. What am I supposed to d
    I am so desperate to get away from her that I am considering suicide. I am completely alone and have no hope for ever leaving. I am peniless and can’t even prostitute myself because I’m fat and ugly (yes I have even considered that. I need money to get away). I really can’t explain how trapped I am or how I have no options. I have NO ONE.

    I don’t even know why I have written this all out. I don’t think there are any organisations that help adults being abused by their parents. Maybe it is my fault that I can’t get out??? Other people seem to manage it somehow. Sorry for this long post.[/quote]

    please contact [url]www.allaboutloveinc.com[/url] and they will help you.

    #1046598

    Daughter

    It’s not okay for your mother to treat you this way. You need to get help, because it’s likely things will continue this way. You have rights as a human being, and there are resources that can help you protect those rights. Teachers, doctors, and counselors are often trained on what to do in situations like this, so ask someone you can trust. Call the police if you are being physically abused. It doesn’t cost anything. You might be afraid of the consequences of reporting it, especially because of your financial dependence, but don’t be afraid. You have the right to be safe. Here is another reference I found: [url]http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/legislation/[/url]

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