Adult children of my boyfriend wanting to move in

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  willestate 4 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #174137

    nadiam36

    I am a divorced mother of 2 wonderful, well-behaved teenagers. My boyfriend moved in with me and my children a year ago. He has 3 children two of whom are in college. One is graduating this spring. Their mother packed and moved out of state a few months ago with the younger boy who is almost 16. Since the mother moved out of state, my boyfriend kept hinting that he wanted his two college age daughters to move in with us, because they don’t have jobs and they need a place to live so they could be closer to their friends and boyfriends.
    I love my boyfriend, but our relationship has been up and down since the beginning, mostly because of his financial situation and sometimes because of his kids dependence on him financially and otherwise.

    My problem is that I do not want his adult kids living with us, not when they are 21 and 24 and could be living alone with roommates to learn some independence. There are many reason why I don’t want them moving in. 1) I don’t want to make my kids feel sqeezed out of their own home by having to share their space with two additional adults, 2) I do not have enough room to house two additional adults, plus his teenage boy who will be spending some time (if not all) with us this summer 3) I am afraid we will have more fights, because he will not expect his kids to follow any house rules, etc and I will have to confront him about it, 4) I feel that me and my kids need our privacy and space and I am not used of having 2 additional people living with us 5) I am 44 and at this point in my life, I like to enjoy my life, be romantic with the guy I love, have some piece and quiet.

    Ever since he moved in, our lives have been consumed by resolving his issues….he has overdue bills that we need to pay, his car breaks down that needs fixing, his daughter needs a new car that we need to buy, his son has emotional problems we need to deal with, his ex is demanding this or doing that. I feel that I have been making sacrifices to accomodate him and his children. It should also be noted that I pay more than 2/3 of our household expenses and bills….his contribution is 1/3 in a good month, sometimes less if he needs money to pay a bill or help out one of his kids with their bills.

    Maybe I am being selfish, but as I said, I am 44 and I have raised pretty independent kids and I am looking forward to my kids moving out and going to college….I don’t want to raise more kids.
    Am i being unreasonable?
    Nadia

    #909799

    QueenAngie

    [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/QueenAngie/Welcome.gif[/IMG]

    Welcome to the board, Nadiam36!

    So glad you’ve joined Fam.com!

    Sounds like you are very busy and your “plate is full.”

    You have two teenaged children that live with you fulltime
    and your SO’s 16 yo son will be joining you all summer long.
    That’s 3 teenagers + SO + you = 5 people by my count.

    Adding the 2 girls ages 21 & 24 is something that you have seriously
    thought about……by reading your post.

    Now the 24 yo is graduating from college……isn’t she going to get a job and a place
    to live locally? The 21 probably won’t be taking classes this summer either…..so won’t she also be getting a job this summer?

    Yes, I figured they don’t wish to go stay with their mother because of their boyfriends.

    If finances are that tight for your SO and paying his bills, how will SO be able to afford
    to pay for more people in your household this summer – the 16 yo, the 21 yo, the 24 yo?

    My thoughts: you are not married to this man yet.
    Financially, you are paying for most of the household, and helping out his family too.
    You two have only been together for one year…..12 months.
    Legally and financially you are not responsible for his 3 children.
    Maybe he needs a 2nd job and both of his daughters need at least a summer job too.

    What do our other friends think? It helps to get a different point of view.

    All the best!

    #909809

    floridamama

    I don’t blame you for feeling this way. It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of extra baggage, and that can be difficult to deal with…at any age. The question you need to ask yourself is this, do you really love him, and is it worth all of the changes that would come you & your children’s way, if his grown kids moved in?
    Because you are right…his daughters are old enough to be living on their own now. As for his young son and his emotional issues…I feel bad for the boy. Divorce is hard on everyone…especially the kids. He probably just needs some reassurance, attention, and patience from both parents. It might be hard on him with you in the picture now, as well. So there are two sides of the coin on that one. And I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. I am just saying that if I were 15, and had to spend the summer with my Dad (who doesn’t live with me anymore) and his girlfriend…well, it’d be hard on me too!
    You just need to decide if this man is worth it all? If he is, and you think you can both work through all the issues together…then go for it! If not, maybe you should reconsider the whole thing?
    Just my opinions, and I really do wish you the best of luck! No matter what you choose to do.
    Shannon

    #909838

    MissyChrissy

    My point of view is you hooked up with him knowing he had kids. They ARE a priority for him-and SHOULD be. I cannot respect anyone who shoves their kids aside for the new love in their life. I’m sorry if I come across harsh-I really don’t mean to be, but the truth is, they’re not done with school yet. Maybe they can get jobs & help out? You don’t know what your kids will be like at that age-and it’s NOT right or FAIR to compare them. By acting like your kids are better, you’re CREATING problems in your relationship.

    If you can’t take him & his kids, you owe it to him to split. He DESERVES the freedom to love his children & support them any way he sees fit. He shouldn’t have to ask your permission to allow his own children to live with him for one summer. They’re IN COLLEGE not selling crack in brooklyn. There’s a difference.

    I’d at least try it out…for his sake. He loves his kids as much as you love yours. It’s one summer. They’ll have more respect for you too if you can pull it off.

    “blended” families are tricky-at best. But separating a parent from his/her child is recipe for further hurt feelings and arguments. That’s my opinion on it.

    #909897

    nadiam36

    Dear Missy Chrissy,
    I don’t think I said anything in my post about me not wanting him to love his kids. He is free to love his kids, he is free to move out with his kids. I agreed to have him live with me and my kids, so I can help him financially. Are you saying I should be responsible for his kids too when their own mother packed and left and never thought of what would happen to his kids in the summer when they were not going to college? How about my kids? Did you think how difficult it might be for them? Are you saying, I should not consider my kids feelings and privacy, etc? He can’t move out, because he can not afford it financially. I already know that his younger son who is 16 will be at my house often during the summer…I have one additional room and you are saying I should have the 3 of them living in with me? The 24 year old will be done with college this May. What happens if she doesn’t get a job and then she will be with us indefinitely.

    #909911

    pattiewrites

    He should probably get his own place that has enough room for him and his children. Maybe he needs a second job or they can work part time to help him afford a place of his own. You don’t have to breakup. There’s nothing wrong with just dating and not living together until all the kids are grown.

    #909920

    Aiden&Alejandros Mommy

    [quote]You just need to decide if this man is worth it all? If he is, and you think you can both work through all the issues together…then go for it! If not, maybe you should reconsider the whole thing?[/quote]

    I agree with this…you really need to look and see if “he” is worth all this. I know what it is like to have someone move in with you. When I was a single mum, going to school and working My boyfriend (who is now my hubby) moved in with me. I too was the one who brought the majority of money into the house. Paid all the bills..paid for food and everything. He had a P/T job and would work 3x a week as he was going to school as well. It was a very tough adjustment for me and my then 3 year old son. Although my Dh has no kids from previous relationships.
    Personaly I think this is Your house…he moved in with you. Your the one helping him out and though you love him you need to tell him that he needs to be more financially stable. It is not your responsiblity to pay off his loans…you are not married to him. And it is not your responsibility to take care of his kids either. His ex and him have to come to a solution about their children…he doesn’t need to put this all on you.

    [quote]My problem is that I do not want his adult kids living with us, not when they are 21 and 24 and could be living alone with roommates to learn some independence[/quote]

    I was 20 when I moved out…I was a single mum going to Nrsg school and working. If I could make it living on my own with all my responsiblities…so can his kids. They may need some help finding a place or with the deposit..but they need to learn to be responsible for themselves. Good luck and I hope things go well with your BF.

    #909947

    nadiam36

    Did I mention that I basically told him that his adult kids couldn’t move in, because of all the reasons I mentioned in my original post. I told him that we (him and me) could help pay 1/3 of the rent for them if the two girls each could pay 1/3. He told me that his girls will have bad feelings towards me. He is now upset with me. I have been pretty straight forward with him from the start. I know being honest hurts his feelings, but I wish he could see my side of things and try to explain to his girls how their moving might affect my kids and life. I told him that I didn’t want to raise more kids…he knows that. I am ready for the 16 year old to be with us, because he is still a minor and I understand we need to provide for him and take care of him…but not his grown children.
    He does work a second job…and even 3rd job at times. He is gone most of the times on weekend as is.
    Thanks for all your responses and ideas.
    nadia

    #910022

    MissyChrissy

    Once you’re a parent, you’re always a parent. Your kids should not take priority over his-they should be equal. I bet anything you’d provide for your kids between college classes & work. If they need somewhere to stay for the summer-then they should be able to go with their father if HE wants them to.

    My father always told me as long as he was alive there’d be a roof for me if I needed one. I’ve been on my own since I was 16…I’m 31 and have 4 kids. If something happened tomorrow, I’d be able to move in with my dad-WITH my four kids. His wife would have to accept it-or he’d leave. Of that, I’m certain.

    There’s a loyalty all parents owe their children. Just because their mother “abandoned” them, it’s ok for dad to do it too?

    #910023

    MissyChrissy

    Oh-and his kids can work & contribute. Yeah, it’ll be crowded…but it’s only for the summer.

    #910103

    pattiewrites

    [quote=MissyChrissy]Once you’re a parent, you’re always a parent. Your kids should not take priority over his-they should be equal. I bet anything you’d provide for your kids between college classes & work. If they need somewhere to stay for the summer-then they should be able to go with their father if HE wants them to.

    My father always told me as long as he was alive there’d be a roof for me if I needed one. I’ve been on my own since I was 16…I’m 31 and have 4 kids. If something happened tomorrow, I’d be able to move in with my dad-WITH my four kids. His wife would have to accept it-or he’d leave. Of that, I’m certain.

    There’s a loyalty all parents owe their children. Just because their mother “abandoned” them, it’s ok for dad to do it too?[/quote]

    I agree with this. The girls are in college, not crack. I would always choose my kids over any partner. My dad stopped helping my brothers with college, etc. when he got with his new wife. Now, one doesn’t even speak to him and hasn’t for many years. That’s what happens when kids aren’t a priority, they go away. Believe me, if dad could turn back the clock he would. The woman is now gone, but so is his son.

    #910438

    nadiam36

    [quote=QueenAngie][IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/QueenAngie/Welcome.gif[/IMG]

    Welcome to the board, Nadiam36!

    My thoughts: you are not married to this man yet.
    Financially, you are paying for most of the household, and helping out his family too.
    You two have only been together for one year…..12 months.
    Legally and financially you are not responsible for his 3 children.
    Maybe he needs a 2nd job and both of his daughters need at least a summer job too.

    All the best![/quote]
    Thank you for welcoming me to the board. It is nice to hear other people’s perspectives on this.
    He does have 2nd and sometimes 3rd job. He gets pretty good salary from his first job (much more than what I make), but most of everything that he earns goes to his bills, late bills, kids car insurance, health insurance, other expenses. He contributes less than 30% towards our household.
    I know I am not married to him, but I do love him and my kids like him and he is a decent man, but not the kind that has any long range plans. During his divorce, he cashed in all of his retirement money to pay for lawyers fees and pay other bills for him and his ex….
    I do want to be with the guys, but in the long run, I am just afraid he is going to be a drain on me financially and emotionally.
    He is now telling me he will have to assume he is paying the entire rent for his girls if they rent a place. Well, that will come from the less than 30% that he pays me as his contributions our household expenses.

    I really want to tell him maybe he should get his own place with his kids, but how can I tell him that without hurting him. He already thinks I am a meany, because I said NO to his request to let his kids live with us this summer.
    Some days, I feel like he is not worth all that I have to give up.

    #910659

    pattiewrites

    I really feel for you. It’s a tough situation. How do his girls pay for school? Does he pay all the expenses like tuition, books, room and board and all other living expenses? If he does, they need to work to pay the rent for the summer. I had a lot of friends in college who worked all summer, more than one job, just to put away enough to live through the school year. If that’s what they are doing, I can totally understand why they can’t pay for rent. Their only option would be with either mom or dad.

    Only you can decide if it will be worth it. They may do very well, or you could have ongoing issues. None of us can guarantee our kids will be self sufficient by their early twenties. I have no idea where my kids will be financially when they are in college. I know they will always have a place with me.

    You need to decide if you are willing to live with your man’s financial and family obligations. If it’s too much, be honest with him. Tell him it moved too fast and you shouldn’t have had him move in. Between him and his girls, they could pay rent. That’s life and it really isn’t your problem, if you don’t want to live with the situation long term. Realistically, the issue will come up again next summer at least with the younger daughter. Your main obligation is to your kids and doing what you think is right for your family. Good luck, it’s really not an easy situation.

    #1036360

    willestate

    Hey! Wise Up! You are being used, he found a sucker and now wants his daughters to get in on the gravy train. You made the statement that he is “not the kind that has any long range plans”. Okay, so why are you supporting him? If you just want a different man to support every couple of years, then fine, keep him until you are broke and are ready for the next freeloader. But, if you are looking for a real relationship, dump the bum and find a real man.

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