airegin2001's comments

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

30 Jan 2009 08:01 AM

Hi Beth,

I haven't yet. I haven't quite figured out how to find a good therapist who would know something on the subject. Any recommendations? I live in DC....

Thanks!

-D

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

29 Jan 2009 11:45 AM

Hi Beth,

This blog and your articles have been a wonderful help to me. I'm 33 and have been dealing with major issues with my mother, my entire life. My family, to the outside worlda, always looked pretty normal. I was raised fairly well, and I'm doing pretty well now. I always just assumed I was a "bad kid" growing up, even though, now looking back, I clearly wasn't. I just figured I was extra emotional - mostly because my mom and I would get in screaming matches every day - from about the age of 13 right through college. Usually the fights centered around me not doing my homework, or not practicing the piano "correctly." etc etc. She also always had to be right. ALWAYS. She was never wrong, even when the laws of physics had to be defied in order for her to be correct, she would never admit defeat. In fact, I've never once had my mother apologize to me.... ever.

When I graduated college, my mom left my dad and moved away to be with another man. I had a feeling she had been having an affair.

I always felt like I was, emotionally, far behind most of my friends. My first serious girlfriend came after college, and I had a lot of trouble discussing my feelings with her. Even when I got married, years later, I had trouble with my feelings. I would always get the question "well, how do you fell about xyz" - and I never knew how to answer that question. Unfortunately, my relationship ended in divorce... but I remember going through therapy and trying to describe how I "felt" about my wife. I remember being completely perplexed that I could never honestly describe how I felt.

Back to my mother. It reallly all started going downhill after she moved away. For the first year or so after my mother was away, she basically disappeared from my life. I rarely heard from her, and it was hard getting any information about what was going on in her life. Suddenly, one day, she came to visit and introduced me to her new husband. HUSBAND! She had gone off, met someone, bought a house with him, gotten engaged, and then married (twice! once while in Europe, and then to make sure it was legal, came back to the US and got married again with 30 of her closest friends..... except for me!). Needless to say, I was pretty upset. Why? Because my mother had gotten married and not told me! To her, though, this wasn't a big deal. My dad was even upset with me, because my mom sent him a letter telling him about it, so he called me wondering why I had been keeping it from him! So, anyway, I tried having some sort of rational conversation with my mom, but all that comes back is excuse after excuse after excuse. Never an apology. Never an "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." The funny thing is, even though it's been about 5 years, SHE feels like she's apologized a million times and can't understand why I'd be upset. WHY? Because I never get closure with her on it.

Over the past 5 years, since she got re-married, things have been going down hill progressively. It seems that no matter what I do, it's never enough for my mom. I have trouble talking to her, because she gets stuck on topics. She constantly nags and criticizes. It's a joke to her. It's like she gets in these loops about certain topics and can't get out of it - usually about me doing she perceived as being dumb. I'll hear about something 20 times before we move on. It makes the conversations with her really really tiring.... so I try to get off the phone with her.... which only makes her more upset - because then I'm ignoring her.

So, anyway, about 6 months ago my mother and I got into a huge fight again - mostly about her guilting me over and over and over about not coming to visit her for an event she found really important. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out of work, and even though I apologized 500 times, she wouldn't let it go. I tried calling her on it - "Mom, please stop guilting me about this." And she would respond indignantly - "I'm not guilting you...... I'm just sooooooooo sad you can't come." JEEZ! After the conversation reached a head, I hung up and haven't spoken to her since.

About 2 months later, she finally wrote me an email. On the surface, it was a really nice email. Let's just forget about the past and move forward, blah blah blah, sis boom bah. You know the drill. The thing is, with my mom, she ALWAYS brushes stuff under the carpet, and I wasn't going to let that happen anymore. I needed for her to understand where I was coming from. So, I wrote her back. I wasn't mean, but I was firm. I told her how I felt, and how her actions made me feel. I told her that I felt like she didn't really consider my feelings, and how I felt like everything always revolved around her.

I'm betting, at this point, you can't probably tell what was coming.

Her response? It was.... well, I guess to be expected. Except, I didn't know my mom had NPD. So I was shocked.

She raged.... oh did she rage. She told me how I was a self-centered and sad nearly middle-aged man (I'm 33! middle-aged??) She brought up every single way that I've ever hurt her -- including when I "abandoned" her several years ago when she came to visit me. When she can to visit, my wife's grandmother passed, and I had to leave to go to the funeral. She couldn't care less about the funeral or someone dying - all she could care about was me abandoning her (especially considering that it was only for 24 hours, and her brother lived in town). In the note she told me that I OWED her a relationship - she didn't care if I was happy, but because she "wiped my [CENSORED]" as a baby, I now OWED it to her. She used the word "owe" quite a bit. She went on and on. She mocked me, she belittled me. She didn't validate anything I said.

The funny thing is, the note didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. Why? Because it wasn't a note a rational parent would ever write to one of their children. I knew that, but I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I've since discovered what NPD is, and your blog, and it's been wonderful.

I still have guilt issues around my mom, in that, since I've cut off contact, I feel as though I'm doing something wrong. At the same time, it's been amazing the kind of stress relief that it's provided. Not having to deal with her, has been wonderful. I can't decide if I should re-connect with her or not. I can't decide if it's worthwhile. How does one know when they've been beaten down enough that enough is enough? My mom isn't a bad person - I know that.... so that makes it even harder.

Are there support groups for children of narcissistic parents?

-Doug