20 Feb 2008 10:25 AM

2/19/08

I'm so angry today.  For the second night in a row I have been dreaming of Isabel and reliving my mc over and over.  I talked to my mom this morning and again she said well it's probably for the better.  I'm so sick of her saying that I don't feel like it is for the better.  Then when I talked to Luke about it he pretty much just ignored my comments.  I tried to say today was going to be a hard day (bc i'm missing Isabel) and he said yeah it is I have a lot to do today.  Arrgg, yet again he is emotionally unavailable.  I'm so tired of feeling like I am going through this alone.  I keep posting messages on the message board but I still need to talk with someone in real life about it.  My dr called this morning and said that it's ok for me to take b/c again and I don't need to wait till AF to start.  I tried to ask him if they had any idea of how far long I am.  Still no answers I will never know how long I carried Isabel for.  I don't know for sure what my due date was.  I know nothing and it is driving me nuts.  I can't handle this anymore I just want to yell and scream and cry all at the same time.  My heart is so broken and everyone around me seems like their lives are moving forward and I'm just standing still.  I want the pain to lighten up for just a little while.  I don't know how to get through this.  I'm so angry at God.  Why did he have to take her away from me.  Even at the least why won't he let me know how far long I was.  I hate this I hate this I hate this.  I just want to forget that it ever happened.  I don't want to care anymore.  Every time I think I am feeling better boom I get hit by it all over again.  I don't want to work I don't want to do anything.  I think maybe it's time for me to try to get some anti-depressants. I just don't think there is anything else I can do on my own.  It doesn't seem to get any better.  It consumes my thoughts all day long and I have to keep it to myself bc no one seems to understand in real life what I am feeling.  It was nice last when one of our friends gave his condolences.  Luke I guess read what I was writing and now he's even more upset.  He doesn't talk to me about it though he just gets upset quiet and then walks away.  I'm so lonely for someone to talk to in real life.  Or maybe I'm just wanting someone to take the pain away.  I'm so upset I'm shaking again and doing everything I can not to start crying in front of him.  Oh well I guess I'm all alone and I just need to accept that and try to move on with my life.  Forget about Isabel and how much I wanted her.  Bc no matter how much I cry or how angry I get I will never get her back. She is in heaven now and I will have to wait till I pass before I will ever be able to see her.  I bet she is so beautiful. Well I guess I should try to get into the shower and get on with my day.  I'll most likely come back later tonight to write some more.  

Isabel  Mommy thinks about your every day.  I love you so much and I just really hope you are happy.  

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