11 Feb 2008 09:08 PM

M/C 02-11-08

Today has been a pretty good day.  I'm so jealous of my sister.  She just found out she will be making an additional 33K this year for being so far over her budget. Congrats to her but I'm really nervous with where I am at with my income.  It has been dropping and now that autoextra has been selling almost the same program we have been pitching for at least $100 less than us.  Clients are starting go drop and switch over to them.  All night I have been doing research on Kare 11 and Gannett so I can be really really prepared for my interview.  I need and want this job.  If I don't get it I am going to have to make a switch to something more stable for a little while.  

I have been doing ok with the MC.  I have been missing Isabel again today and almost having the feeling like this really didn't happen.  I was never PG I never MC and life is how it was before except now I really want a baby.  I know I just need to be patient and to remind myself that in only 13 more weeks and I should finally get my ring.  I can't wait.  I want to be Mrs. Andrea Master. Wow I don't know how I feel about giving up my name.  I kinda wish I wouldn't have to but I know Luke never would.  

It is hard to be patient when you want something so badly.  I can't wait to start a family.  I have to admit that since the MC I feel a more disconnect to my mom.  She can't understand what I am going through and although I know she is being supportive I wish she would realize that I lost my child.  Not just this thing that was inside me.  I wish she would realize that I am truly grieving just like I did when my dad died. Not this oh well this is probably for the best since if I were PG and started working for KARE I would have less energy and I need the energy to get my business going.  It's my baby girl she keeps talking about like it is nothing. 

I am also starting to feel isolated from my friends.  They can't possibly understand what I have been through and I'm worried they feel weird to call me.  I just hope they will forget and want to hang out again. 

Isabel-  I just wanted to say I have been thinking about you all day.  I've been wondering if you are happy and safe.  I would do anything to be able to see how beautiful you are and to hold you if for only a moment.  I wish you didn't have to go but I will find comfort knowing you are safe and grandpa can take care of you for me. I love you.- MOM

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