annette23's commentsComments On: Everything Articles Blogs Journals Photos created by: Everyoneannette23 Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member28 Oct 2008 09:04 AM Thank you for your insight. My husband does not have alot of guilt involving them, only the good memories of his own grandparents , which makes him sad about the situation. Our son does not want to deal with them any more this fall, and he understands that if his grandfather really is terminal, his only opportunity will be at the wake, which he is totally O.K. with (this tells me much). We've discussed letting them know that we'll call them when our son is ready to see them, and for them not to call. They seem to have a six month cycle, they lay low, life gets back to normal, pleasant, and just as we're back into the swing of life, they pop up with much drama and manipulation. If we just told them we'd never see them again, all three of us would be fine with it emotionally, and I don't think they could force a visit at his age, but the law-suit thing may rear its ugly head again, they like control and they want their own way. We think if we leave a door open for next year, with our initiating the contact, we may have a better chance of being rid of them, and maybe if our son decides he wants a visit or a call, it's available. This will send them into a tail-spin as well, we may need to block their numbers to keep them from intruding. But we can stand firm, the last straw was during their last conversation, when they heard something from him they didn't like,(for example, they invited themselves to stay at our home, they have never even been to our home, and our son said that he didn't mean to be unkind, but he didn't think that would be work) they would pretend that they heard it a different way and pretended he was unclear and they were suddenly hard of hearing, making him need to repeat himself with information that they didn't like, a form of inimidation and control really. Our son picked up on it immediately and was angry at the attempted manipulation. He tries so hard to be kind, And we feel at this point we need to step in and protect him from their emotional cruelty. It is hard to do this kindly with people who don't take no for an answer. We come across as harsh when we stand firm against their behaviors, but sometimes I think this is O.K. It has been years, and the stress is at times too intrusive at this point. Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member27 Oct 2008 02:24 AM Hello Beth and Everyone; Glad I found this forum, could always use another perspective in dealing with our life's interesting twists. My husband is a widower. We met several years after his wife died. We've been married almost five years and I adopted his son, who is the light of my life. His former wife died of cancer. My issue is his former in-laws, my son's family. My son's grandfather didn't speak to his daughter the last month of her life because they did not drive him to the airport (my husband and son were sick, so was his wife needless to say and the in-laws had already driven 4 hours, the airport was only 20 more minutes.) The grandmother missed her daughter's last hours because she was getting her hair done-she knew she was coming back for a funeral...A year later they sued my husband for shared custody and child support-like a divorce, that was not successful but needless to say it dragged him through unnecessary anguish. The interactions go on, all conversations revolve around them, withheld christmas presents unless they get to see him on the date...alot of "how everything looks" and no normal loving interactions. We have tried hard to be civil, and kept most of the really damaging information from my son, but he is getting older-under 15- and he happens to be a very perceptive kid-wants to be a psychiatrist- he understands the distorted behaviors aren't normal, but it still frustrates him. At this point he talks/sees them for their benefit- not his (his words) They continue to try to manipulate him-which he gets and dislikes- my question is-how do I protect him? At what point is enough-enough. And, is this journey good for his development or destructive? I truly believe his grandmother has NPD, I'm a physician, so I'm not totally unfamiliar with the diagnosis. His grandfather is very controlling, and has a gay-porn-too close for comfort with little boys- behavior history. We have never allowed unsupervised visits. His grandfather is supposedly sick (a common manipulative theme with them over the last 7 years, but even manipulative people get sick eventually) How much do we go out of our way for them to see him. I am tempted to just go back for the funeral-which my son is O.K. with. The less than kind part of me feels they don't deserve any more, and I am concerned that the drama they like so much (they have told us they are coming and then cancelled six times in the last week alone) is harmful to my son. Where do we go with this, or do we just disengage and deal with the death if and when it happens? |
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