Author Archives: Mary Becket

Let’s Play! How to Bond with Your New Stepfamily

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Not being much of a bowler myself, I was a little surprised when my then-boyfriend suggested that he take my daughter out for a few frames one Saturday afternoon. It was one of the first weekends I had invited him to visit when my daughter wasn’t with her Dad. (After many years of single parenthood, I continued to be very wary of involving her in my romantic liaisons when I wasn’t yet sure where they were headed). This weekend had been discussed between us at length; our relationship had become serious, and we were starting to talk about a future … Continue reading →

Loving an Angry Man

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with my husband early in our relationship regarding his anger issues. I was trying to ascertain whether or not he understood the impact his volatile temper had on his personal and professional life. When I realized that he didn’t necessarily consider his anger a negative attribute, I asked him, “How do you figure your temper helps you?” His answer was swift and decisive: “People are afraid of me, so they usually do what I want.” He was a little slower in answering my next question: “And how does it hurt you?” Like most … Continue reading →

Privacy vs. Secrecy: How to Foster Intimacy in Your Relationships

Information really is power; how, what, and when to share can have a far-reaching impact on our ability to foster intimacy in our relationships. It is almost a rite of passage, for instance, for a new couple to explore one another’s past—first loves, first kisses, and even the first big heartbreak. These conversations both require and build a significant level of trust, as they reveal how we act and react at our most vulnerable moments. So what does it mean when your partner refuses to share? It can mean many things; the problem, of course, is that we often assume … Continue reading →

How to Parent Adult Step Children

Almost thirty years ago, Robert married a woman who had five grown children. No big deal, right? They ranged in age from mid-twenties to mid-thirties, so they had all been on their own for many years. They appeared to be well-adjusted, independent, responsible adults. They lived locally, and Robert and his wife socialized with them on a regular basis. So what was the problem? It turns out that there were many, but primary among them was the fact that his wife’s family was, what the shrinks would call, enmeshed. They were ‘all up in’ one another’s business—they spoke to one … Continue reading →

Beware the Green Eyed Monster: How Jealousy Can Impact Your Blended Family

I tiptoed up to the topic, believing that most of us are pretty sensitive about it: “Sometimes step parents feel…I don’t want to call it jealousy, but…” at which point Kelly, eight years into her step mom experience, interrupted, “Oh, you can call it jealous! I was definitely jealous!—of a six year old, no less!” We were talking about what can often become a defining dynamic between children and step parents, and consequently, a divisive issue for a biological parent and their spouse. It’s not an emotion many of us are willing to cop to, especially if the trigger is … Continue reading →

We’re Broke! Why Do We Need a Financial Planner? Part 2

Once you have made the commitment to achieving financial independence and have selected your advisor, the next step is the discovery interview. It is at this point that your planner will be attempting to ascertain how you feel about money. While that may sound pretty straightforward, money is a highly charged matter for most of us; it has come to represent many of the key structures of our lives—like security, safety, power, prestige, independence, and even love. In American society, money—how much we have, how we earn it, and how we spend it—has become a stand-in for our moral character. … Continue reading →

We’re Broke! Why Do We Need a Financial Planner?! Part 1

After my divorce, the financial planner who had worked with my former husband and I continued to call me every six months or so, wondering if I was ready to put a new financial plan into place. I was flattered, if a little confused, about why he was bothering with me. I had primary physical custody of our infant daughter, I was receiving no financial support from her dad, and I was working for a notoriously underpaying local non-profit. Let’s face it, I was broke. The answer to the question, of course, is that it is an undisputed fact that … Continue reading →

To Leave or Not to Leave

In the early years of our marriage, the threat of leaving became our default position in a distressing number of our fights. For me, the devastation of feeling totally misunderstood, my efforts unappreciated, and my actions unfairly judged left me thinking that there was only one way out, and that way was out the door. Over the years, however, I have come to understand a few things: 1) There is hardly ever just one way out; 2) If you are truly committed to the marriage, leaving is not an option; and, 3) Control is at the root of most conflict. … Continue reading →

Beware the Boogie Man! (part 2 Estate Planning for Blended Families)

Why do we tend to procrastinate when it comes to estate planning? The answer may be deeper than you think. On the surface it appears to be a conversation about money; in reality, it’s a conversation about death. And we’re not talking about dying in general, but about our own death, and that of our spouse. No wonder the process tends to be fraught with emotion. That said, like most of the difficult things we endure in our lives, it has great potential for enhancing growth and intimacy in your marriage. More about that later; but let’s start with first … Continue reading →

Estate Planning and the Step Family

For too many of us, estate planning is the thing we’re always going to get to but often don’t. It’s like flossing, but with exponentially greater potential for harm. I understand why we procrastinate, believe me I do, but a failure to act in this department can have a devastating effect on your family. Our financial planner had been after us to create an estate plan for a year; as we began preparations for an extended trip through Mexico, it seemed irresponsible not to have something in place. We contacted an attorney who came highly recommended, and blithely scheduled an … Continue reading →