bearwithme's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

23 Sep 2009 09:22 PM

Fedup111: good for you!! I was in the same exact situation and in some sorts, I still am to this day. I would like to tell my Nmom so bad that I don't want her to come over because she always has a snide comment or says something under her breath. My Nmom is so strange and I can't stand it. After I stood my ground to her one day, and told her she is NOT to speak to me like a child anymore and to stay away from me, she went to her family, all my aunts and uncles, and told them I was a horrible daughter and a complete dissappointment just like my brother (who was a drug addict and alcoholic and hadn't been seen in a year). Yet, I was just like him. She wouldn't speak to me and when I tried, all she did was cry like a big fat baby. She's the loser!

I get mad as all get out when I think of this stuff!!

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

27 Aug 2009 10:39 AM

Needtoknow: What a beautiful post! I read your words with such attention and the details popped right off my screen and into my heart. I particularly love the mention of your "cooking" and opening yourself up to new things, etc. I am so happy for you--I love to cook myself and my husband loves my cooking.

I have turned to God on this one. As I'm at a crossroads with how to deal with my Nmother. Finding out that she has NPD 7 years ago, changed my life and also opened me up like you can't imagine. It's just the long road to realizing that to have any kind of relationship with my Nmother I have to put up with some of her viciousness; OR, if I decide to go NC (no contact) then it results in a period of guilt and mourning. But in that, I have already mourned the death of my mother as she was not a real mother in the sense of the actual word. She did not know how to properly love and have a caring relationship with her children, we were ports to her happiness in life and she used us as a gauge as to her happiness or sadness. She was an angry woman, very angry. Angry at life, angry at her family (although she would NEVER admit to that truth), angry at my father.

I went through a period of being angry myself after I found out that she had NPD. I was so angry at her I wanted to punish her and get back at her. My therapist told me to allow myself plenty of anger because I was never able to show it. He told me to make sure I felt it and knew where it came from. He also told me that my anger would lead to many, many more emotions that I had supressed for nearly 36 years. It was a miricale!!!

I do owe it to God. He was the one who lead me to therapy so that I go the "tools" I needed to deal and learn about NPD and the realities of my Nmom.

He's been good to me. As I struggle with this, he needs to be beside me and take the reigns every once in a while.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

25 Aug 2009 11:52 PM

Thanks Needstoknow. I have been in the chat room but no one has been there. I hope I am on the right one, it is the link you shared, right? Then we are on track, just waiting for everyone else I guess.

My Nmom lost her patience so badly that NOW I am always trying to hurry to do things and not piss anyone off. I try to scurry around and hope no one will get on my for being slow, dumb etc. My Nmom never showed me the right way to do things...she just screamed that I was doing it wrong then tried to show me how to do it with vehement anger and frustration; to where I focused on the embarrassment and humiliation instead of learning and growing. My brother experienced this himself and describes it as "her torturing us, her redicule, and her joy in seeing us cry with utter frustration and pain."

I will not do this to my daughter. I told my husband that he had my permission to slap me silly if he EVER heard me say anything of the sort. I know he won't ever do that but I hope I never come to be like my Nmom.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

21 Aug 2009 05:06 PM

Thank you needtoknow, you've made my mind gear up to think about a few things. yes, fear is my best friend and also my enemy. My Nmom raised me and reflected "bad" on me. My mistakes were "bad" or "stupid" especially in my teens when, uh hellooo, teens make stupid mistakes, but to tell them to their face that they are so stupid, really hurts. She never SHOWED me how to do anything...she just got angry if I couldn't do something and then left me doubting if I did it right--there was no reassurance, hence, I got frustrated easily and gave up on any challenge that came my way...oh, I think I just had a breakthrough Oprah "ah-ha moment."

Thanks for the link, I'd love to try it out... see ya there

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

19 Aug 2009 03:13 PM

I think there is truth to what you said. I think I also read here, or was it somewhere else, anyway maybe in infancy the infant lacks a empathatic "mirror" in the parent. I just wished I knew what that meant.

My Nmom was raised by abusive parents, physical and emotional. My Nmom's mom (Grandma) was a prima-donna and demanded to be the queen of all 7 children. She was N herself. And my Nmom's father was the physical abuser if the children did not treat his wife like a queen, they got beat with belts, chains, etc.

My Nmom was the baby of the family and I hear stories that she was babied beyond belief but still was abused by her parents at the same time. Her older sister (my Aunt) has NPD and her daughter (my cousin) has been NC with her for 6 years. My Nmom's family has a plethora of emotional problems and they all still fight with eachother, some don't talk to others and some of them are just weird--even into their 70's....

I wonder why they can't figure out exactly where NPD comes from?

Thanks for the input.

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

17 Aug 2009 03:32 PM

Reading these blogs astounds me. I relate so well. I have also blogged on the website Dealing with the N Mother in this same forum of articles.

I am 42 and had started therapy when I was 36 for anxiety and overall depression. In my mind, I am 6 years old knowing my mother has NPD and that I was raised under the most hateful, angry, self-serving, illogical, un-loving, fear driven, jealous, hypocrtitical regime called "mom." Whereas before, I thought it was all me--that something was wrong with me, I was stupid, not good enough, slow, different, a bad daughter, selfish, laughable,...I could go on and on. My third year of college, my Nmom was at the pinnacle of her venom spewing times. Her and my father were separating and/or divorcing and I got blown in the middle. Nmom abused me emotionally untill it crippled me, where she could kick me where she wanted to make her self feel better. She wanted me to be her glue to keep her together while I became unglued. She could not control her emotions and I was there to sponge them up.

I dropped out of college because after a few less than average grades, I was convinced that college was only for the better, smart, pretty people and ohhh no, I was definitely NOT one of them!

College was my dream of dreams, my passion, my love of life, my star to look upon, my salvation...but I was clinically depressed and had not the slighted idea.

My N mother was a raging, angry person. She turned me against my father, who was, by the way, a wonderful father. She robbed me of my childhood and I became an adulterated child (I think that's the term). Her issues and her life were first, mine was last. At a young age, I became her life counselor for everything from a bad marriage to my brother's substance abuse. I had to make her look good in front of her friends and her crazy family. She has NPD and is a thief in my life. I am working on NC but it is the hardest thing in the world to do.

My therapy was eye opening to say the least and these forums are a god-send.

The following is not easy to write but they are all true - I am actively working on it:

When people criticize me, I believe them and collapse--it is true, I suck! When confronted, I shake, palms sweat, my heart pounds and I spin out of control with fear and panic. When faced with an intellectual challenge, I immediately say, "I am not capable, I'm not very smart." When I make a mistake, I beat myself up and relive the embarassment day after day. When someone mistreats me, I feel as if I must have deserved it somehow then later, I stand up to that person in my bathroom mirror, over and over again, day after day, but never to the person who inflicted the pain, ever--I keep the anger and resentment inside. When I walk into a room, I feel as if people are looking at me in a negative way, I'm ugly or weird. In a group setting, I feel left out or that people aren't attracted to me but they are attracted to everyone else BUT me. When someone told me they loved me, it felt odd and untruthful-I was being set up.

You probably think I have so many psychological issues myself or have an inferiority complex or something. But I'm gettin' there. I am starting my life over and as I said, I am only six years old so I have a ways to go.

thank you all for being here.

Bearwithme

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

17 Aug 2009 01:30 PM

I hope some of you can help me with this question, especially Beth if she checks in on us here.

My question:

I have a newly turned 2 year old little girl. She's lovely. How do I not turn her in to an N? How do I raise her clear and free from becoming Narcissistic? I think it reveals itself in adolescence, right? How does one become an N???? I'm so afraid of this.

Thanks for helping,

Bearwithme

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

16 Aug 2009 10:55 PM

Grizelda, no apologies needed here. Your posts are helpful and I enjoy reading them and the reply to cremix. An Cremix, you have a lot going for you given your age. I did not figure this out until my mid 30's. You are one step ahead and don't be afraid of the pain, hurt and anger. It is completely normal and healthy. You are not your mother's keeper and you must not be concerned about her station in life. She is a grown woman with experiences and wisdom of her own and you have to find your own and not let your N mother take that away from you.

I have learned that N's try to make you see the world through their eyes and their eyes only. They try to make their experiences your experiences and challenge what you feel and think. If you disagree or feel differently, they go ballistic.

Cremix, follow your heart as far as moving in with the boyfriend is concerned. If it feels right, then you will know it. Your N mom hasn't the slightest idea what love is all about but you owe it to yourself to find love...true love and true love of yourself. My N mother had so many delusion what love was and what a husband is supposed to do. She fantasized about roses and letters and romance 24/7 even after her and my father's divorce. She was a true [CENSORED] about love and how to really love someone. Now my father is remarried and so happy and that burns her up. I'm talking REALLY burns her up. She cannot get over it and is so angry at my father's wife. She actually thinks she stole her husband!! Helloooo, my N mom was the one who divorced my father!

My dad and his wife, let's call her Jane, have been married over 17 years and my N mom constantly insults and makes fun of Jane. Mind you, my husband and I love Jane and she is extremely giving and loving to my father, she is a wonderful person to me and my family. But N mom can't stand when I talk about Jane or even mention her name, she goes crazy and screams that, "it's always about Jane, Jane this and Jane that, you always defend Jane!" My N mom is so sick about this and it drives my to want to pull my hair out.

I have so much to tell here and I apologize of I go on tangents....it's hard not to.

Thank you Grizelda for you truthful and giving comments.

I will stay tuned here as I hope you all will.

Bearwithme

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

16 Aug 2009 11:27 AM

Grizelda, Thank you for hearing me and for the support. Your words are comforting. I feed off of other people's experience with this. Isn't it weird that this disorder is so cut & dry and there are no grey areas? It is almost the same for everyone across the board! This disorder actually fascinates me to some degree.

All in all, it is SO hard as you said. So hard. So hard. I'm shaking my head right now just thinking about how it is. I am thinking about NC on a daily basis and I also go back to that soft hearted place and want to just forget about my Nmom's transgressions....but I know that's impossible, it will never happen. I need to forgive and have pity on her. Are you in NC with your N?

Your Baby's Vocabulary - Blog Entry

14 Aug 2009 07:23 PM

That is too cute Mary Ann and also LJB. My daughter just turned 2 years old and she has taken off with ther vocabulary somthing fierce. When she pooped in her diaper yesterday, she said, "Momma, I poopy and 'tinky, 'tinky...poooweeyy!" as she waved her hand in front of her face as if to fan away the smell. She will see a picture of a frog and exclaim, "Froggy!" except that it comes out sounding just like the bad word with and ending of "cky." She calls balloons "Booways" and pillows "poo-wees" and she'll also ask me "mamma, wha' you fink?"