Beth McHugh's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

17 Feb 2010 04:38 PM

Hi Exnavmid, I agree that one of the problems you do have is convincing outsiders that your wife has NPD as they are particularly skilled at hiding their condition and appearing extremely charming as well. This is why Ihave been suggesting that you call on the services of a psychologist and talk to them about the behavior of your wife. Youi will need to find one who is skilled in the area of personality disorders because there can be problems differentiating between some of them and it requires a professional to do so. There are one or two other disorders that mimic NPD, so it is important to obtain a correct diagnosis. You will need to talk to a therapist to determine the best ways of bringing her darker qualities out. A good therapist will be able to asssist you to orchestrate the conversation such that she will actually let out one of her typical comments. It appears the marriage counselor did not have the required skills to do this. Best, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

15 Feb 2010 05:44 PM

Hi Healingman, log onto my website at htttp://youronlinecounselor.com and read about how I work with clients. Because NPD is one of my areas of interest I work at looking at the belief systems my clients are buying into, and with adult children of NPD parents they usually form a similar set of beliefs about themselves, their parents and their relationships with others, that have been planted by the NPD parent. As the child turns into an adult many of these beliefs remain and it is these beliefs that caue a whole range of problems with low self-esteem just at the very bottom of the rung. The good news is that being the child of a narcissist is painful but not permanently crippling, even though there may have been decades of pain. Once you understand the pattern you can free yourself from the destructive behaviors that you have used as a survival tool in the past, but are of course pulling you backwards in the present. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

15 Feb 2010 04:23 PM

Hi Healingman, you've come a long way on your journey and have stepped out of the loop to the extent that you can see the pattern that was, and the pattern that still is. It must be painful to watch this happening to the next generation but this condition runs in families and this patten too is the norm. But you are in the process of removing yourself out of the sticky web and therefore you have all the hope of a happy future as you move towards further detachment. As you do this you will be able to form healthy relationships that are not one-sided with you as the door mat, or the needy one or the emotionally frightened one -- or whichever way the effects of your parents have taken you. Keep healing -- help is available if you need it -- and be proud of the progress you have already made. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

14 Feb 2010 03:41 PM

Hi exnavmid, what is your current custody arrangements? I would wait till after the divorce and the dust settles if it were me. I would certainly rent close-by to see my children as much as possible. You might find as you say they want to spend increasing amounts of time with you anyway. If things get nasty you can always look at going for custody further down the track. But that is why I suggested in an earlier posting that you woudl need the combined help of a family court lawyer and a psychologist to strengthen your case. In the meantime. keep being the rock in your children's lives. Best wishes, Beth

When a Therapist Fails to Diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the Extended Family - Blog Entry

08 Feb 2010 04:19 PM

Hi Exnavmid, as you are in the middle of a divorce your chiuildren are under quite considerable stress in addition to having to deal with an inconsistent mother. They need you to be there for them, to be stable, reliable and caring and this is a big ask from you as you are going through what will likely be an ugly divorce. You will need the help of a family court lawyer and a psychologist. Consult the latter and tell them of your wife's symptoms, they will be able to give you a firmer idea of exactly what you are dealing with here -- it may not necessarily be NPD. You will need this information when you apply for child custody and you may even be able to convince the court that your children need supervised visits. If your wife has NPD she will never seek counseling for herself. Your children will have differing views on their mother but they will know that something is not quite right. Therefore it is preferable that they know what is wrong with her but I would urge you to get a proper diagnosis first before telling them. Do not worry too much about the efffect of telling them, more harm is done when a child goes through life not knowing what is wrong -- they tend to attribute that there is something wrong with them. In the short term give them every ounce of love you can muster and bolster them whenevder they are damaged by their mother. Best wishes, Beth

Postpartum depression: Effects on the marriage - Blog Entry

08 Feb 2010 04:06 PM

Hi Cassandra, with a history of bipolar, you are more likely than average to suffer form postpartum depression. This does not mean that you will suffer from it after every birth. You are doing all the right things, and it is so common in PPD for the mother to detach from her husband that it is almost to be expected. As your hormones, sleep patterns and stress levels go down, you will start to feel again. You are just overwhelmed and it is hard to feel anything in this state. Try to lower stress when ever you can, ask for help, keep in touch with your doctor and in time you will be back to your old self. And cry when ever you need to, it also releases stress hormones. Also take your sunglasses off occassionally each day and get direct sunlight into your eyes. Best wishes, Beth

Postpartum depression: Effects on the marriage - Blog Entry

07 Feb 2010 03:38 PM

Hi Tommy, if your wife still has postpartum depression after 6 years then she likely had a pre-existing disorder before the pregnancy. If she was emotionally stable then it is unlikely she still has postpartum depression. She needs to be re-assessed. If she was having hallucinations earlier after the baby was born she may have suffered from post partum psychosis, a much more serious condition. It is important that she goes to see a psychiatrist. As she is putting up blocks to going, you are going to have to insist that she goes. The only way to ensure this is to do something that makes her hear that you are serious about this. Stop doing jobs for her -- by all means do the jobs that affect you, such as washing your clothes and the children. But make her more respsible for the things that affect her. She will hear you loud and clear then. If she can operate the computer she can operate the washing machine. Talk to your local doctor about her behaviors and ask your wife to accompany you on the next visit. If she refuses, tell her you are going anyway. Consult a marriage counselor also, if she will not attend, tell her you are going anyway. Unfortunately you cannot make her go see a mental health worker but if you withdraw all the priviledges you are givng her, she will either have to take up the slack or she will break down under the stress and have to get support. Either way, you will be moving in this situation, and she will get the help she needs. This will be unpleasant and she will likely get angry but you are already suffering, but most importantly, she is too. She needs help.

Best wishes, Beth

Postpartum depression: Effects on the marriage - Blog Entry

07 Feb 2010 03:23 PM

Hi Ray, I'm so happy that your wife is seeking help but also that she is able to recognize that she feels confused. This indicates that she is able to stand apart from her present condition and gives great hope that she will return back to her usual self. Loving the baby is a great start, and is the usual order of proceedings. It will take time, be patienbt with her, even her hormones are still readjusting. You are a wonderful caring husband and in time I'm sure all will be well between you. Hope the counseling goes well and thank you for the feedback. Best wishes to you both, Beth

Defending Yourself Against the Aging Narcissist (1) - Blog Entry

31 Jan 2010 04:20 PM

Hi Salsa, congratulations on taking the steps you have taken so far to protect yourself against the behviors of your mother. If you are not strong enough to be alone woith her then by all menans "arm" yourself. As you withdraw, your mother will get angry and use every arsenal in her bag to swing the scales back to how it used to be. Guilt is one of the tricks in the bag. Try to set firm boundaries with her and if you need additiaonl help you can always contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

31 Jan 2010 04:15 PM

Hi Itsherfault, dealing with the guilt of not obeying a narcissistic mother is a process and involves changing your belief systems about yourself, your mother and the mother-daughter relationship. Your guilt is increased by the physical absence of your siblings as well and that thas to be addressed also. There is no simple answer to this, and if you become stuck you are welcome to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com for a session in dealing with this very connmmon problem. Most people have different reasons for the guilt yet there is always a common root. Spending time working on this will free you from the influence your mother has had over you your entire life. You will also learn how you and she are playing an intricate dance between each other, keeping this situation alive and painful. Hope this helps, Best wishes, Beth