Beth McHugh's commentsComments On: EverythingArticles Blogs Journals Photos created by: EveryoneBeth Forgiving Your Narcissistic Parent - Blog Entry09 Jul 2011 08:35 PM Hi Havah, this is why I never bring up the issue of forgiveness in therapy. For me, it has to come willingly from the client. It is noot necessary for recovery but it does help when it is able to be acheived. Real forgiveness does not involve the abusive partner in the equation, and being able to forgive does not let them off the hook, it is a tool that actually helps the one who does the forgiving and it is done for thier benefit. However, as some behaviors are beyond the ability of most people to forgive, it is not an issue that I persue as mandatory, as I have outlined in the article above. Some things are just unforgivable and the pressure that religion places on forgiveness can be counter-productive, especially if it is done too soon. If not genuine, resentlment and anger will always leak out at some point if the forgiveness is not genuine. Thankfully, escaping the clutches of a narcissitic family member is not dependent on forgiveness. Best wishes. Beth Why Don't Significant Life Events Change Narcissists? - Blog Entry09 Jul 2011 08:26 PM Hi Havah, it wouldn't matrer if you are an atheist, Muslim or Catholic, you would still find your mother difficult to deal with. The rules of Christian religions and Islam, and simply human decency do make it difficult to deal with a narcissist who is as close emotionally to you as a mother. Narcissism is difficult to deal with but once you understand the mechanisms behind it and the consistent patterns the condition follows it does become easiler to deal with. However, in following these religious "rules" you have to consider that not all mothers are "honorable" or "loveable" and so these commandments and laws sometimes cause enormous emotional problems for the adult children of narcissists. They even cause problems in secular society if you were to even say to someone who loves their mother, that you don't like yours. There is a feeling of disbelief as we are supposed to love our mother's, aren't we? So the problem invades all aspects of life. However, this does not mean you are could in this web with your mother -- all religions speak of respect but it applies to all, not just the parent. If you would like help in dealing better with the situation you find yourself in with your mother, you are welcome to contact me at youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry07 Jul 2011 07:49 PM Hi Andy, hopefully the psychologist your partner is seeing will be able to help assist in this situation. It's such a pity your partner has had to resort to antidepressants to cope with the situation, as she is not trapped but her mother has her hoodwinked and has done since the day she was born. Hence the family dynamic is well entrenched but it can be broken. She is not trapped. Your partner is welcome to contact me at youronlinecounselor.com should she wish specialist help in the area of narcissism. In the meantime get her to read my articles on NPD which are listed on the right hand side of this page. Knowledge is power, as to escape and take back control she will need (and you too) to understand as much as you can about NPD so you can best tackle the situation in the best way possible, and as a unit. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry01 Jul 2011 07:35 PM To all readers, while cutting contact with a NPD parent can be the best option, it is not the best option for everyone at any given time. I have written articles on this actual topic -- anyone wishing to go no contact should go no contact for the right reasons , otherwise there can be more problems to deal with. It is not an easy choice to walk away from a frail aging mother, even if she once was a tyrant who is losing her power. Check out my website at youronlinecounselor.com for acticles on going no contact. It's important to feel at ease and comfortable with going no contact, only then are you truly free from your mother and not full of remorse at the time of death, coupled wirth regret and rage. Doing it because you have worked on your sadness, grief and anger and then going no contact is the goal of therapy if there is to be a happy ending for the client. Some clients are genuinely better staying in contact, every situation is different, as is every adult child of a narcissist. One shouldn't feel one has to stay or has to go, it should be a personal decision based on what is best for the client. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Manipulator (2) - Blog Entry25 Jun 2011 05:08 PM Hi Jefphx, passive-aggression is a commonly used method to manipulate others through the use of silence and blame. Most people engage in it from time to time depending on who they are dealing with or the situation they are in. However if it is used as the only form of communication then you may be dealing with something more serious. Passive-aggression comes along for the ride with conditions such as several of the personality disorders. If you feel that you cannot talk to your wife at all, without fear of her becoming aggressive, then you may not be dealing with s simply coping technique but a more serious condition. Alternatively, you may be dealing with a marriage problem that has become out of control. If you need help with the former you can contact me at youronlinecounselor.com If you feel you have marraige problem rather than a mental disorder, then you might benefit form couples counseling. If you are having trouble discerning between the two, feel free to contact me at the above address. As she is insecure, it sounds like she may have deep -seated problems that need addresssing. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry23 Jun 2011 06:02 PM Hi Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that your family is in such emotional turmoil and hat you are part of it at this young age. It is essential that you get a diagnosis for your morher, she may or may bnot have NPD and the presence ofr absence of it determines how best to proceed. You can contact me at youronlinecounselor.com if you want a diagnosis by proxy. Your mother won't have "gotten" narcissism due to her early marriage, this is not the way this condition develops. But something is definitely wrong with her behavior and so it is important to get to the bottom of it. Good luck and contact me it you need to. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry23 Jun 2011 05:57 PM Hi Dontworrybe happy, the first thing to do is to find out if your mother actually has NPD. You can do that by contacting me at youronlinecounselor.com and having a diagnosis by proxy. It is essesntial to have a proper diagnosis since that determines how best to deal with the situation. If she does not have NPD you will be able to approach her in a differnt way than if she has. In the very least you will have to at some stage weigh up the pros and cons of living with your mother but knowing whether she actually has a mental illness is essential. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry23 Jun 2011 05:48 PM Hi Ellen, the best thing to take out of this situation is that at least you know what is wrong with your mother and therefore have a springboard at last as to how to go about healing yourself. Reading all the articles on NPD will help you to see the pattern and start livign you own life out of your mother's shadow. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry08 Jun 2011 06:09 PM Hi Tamara, I have sent you a private email from youronlinecounselor.com Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry08 Jun 2011 05:15 PM Hi Tamara, contatct me at the enquiries section of my website. Go to http://youronlinecounselor.com and we can discuss your options. Your posting took a wu=hile to get through becauase management have censored it but you need to express what your mother said and others need to know just what hell it is to have a narcissitic mother. 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