Beth McHugh's commentsComments On: EverythingArticles Blogs Journals Photos created by: EveryoneBeth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry25 Sep 2008 03:08 PM Hi Purple1, you are right, no choice is perfect. What a trauma for you, having your father murdered in a nursing home, no wonder you let down your barriers. And as for use of the conflict resolution skills, unless you know that you are dealing with NPD, you would have had no idea that these techniques could not work. At least you can say it was a learning lesson. Dealing with a narcissist does require a different set of skills -- more like harm minimization (to yourself!) and crisis management. Even the boundary work is slightly different to dealing with "normal" people. Good luck with it, it sound slike you are progressing in your journey. Best wishes, Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry24 Sep 2008 03:19 PM Hi Purple1, it hurts dreadfully to have a narcissistic mother and be denied the love and affection that every child deserves. It also hurts that your father is so enmeshed with your mother that he has effectively chosen her over you and does not either see or acknowledge her failure to engage with you in a healthy relationship. In all dysfunctional families of any type, when one member attempts to either break away or hold up a mirror to the dysfunctional behavior, there will be a "gathering of the troops" and the threat of expulsion from the family group. There will be choices made by family members, and the "outsider" or "troublemaker" will be ostracized. This seems to be happening in your case and it is very painful. You can always contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com if you need additional help in getting through this. Best wishes, Beth Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry24 Sep 2008 03:09 PM Hi HopeNOW, as you have seen, much of the power of the narcissist is "smoke and mirror" stuff, but because it begins in childhood, it is hard to let go of. There is a type of brainwashing happening and the child cannot determine which is correct and which is incorrect, simply through lack of life experience. Yet it is also extremely difficult to fully extract yourself from a narcissistic mother in adulthood, not least because of the myths that surround mothers and mothering. You are well on your way to getting out of the sticky web of narcissism. Best wishes, Beth Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry24 Sep 2008 03:03 PM Hi julibeth, it is difficult to forgive a person when they do not acknowledge that they have done anything wrong. However, when you are dealing with a person who truly suffers from NPD, you are dealing with a different currency. There can be no admission of wrong on their part because it is too painful for them to do so. They will not be consciously aware of this. You may be able to paint them into a corner and painful extract the word "sorry" out of them, but it will not be genuine. There will be an agenda behind it -- their agenda. Also, "voicing your feelings " is so important for good mental health -- but this does not apply to relationships with a narcissist. It will only cause you more pain. Confrontation is a similar problem. You might like to have a read of http://mental-health.families.com/blog/should-you-confront-a-narcissist-about-their-narcissism Confronting a narcissist about their narcissism is best avoided; it can be successfully done under the right conditions and for the right reasons, but only after you have successfully detached yourself emotionally from the narcissistic parent, otherwise you will only be hurt again. You will not be acknowledged and must accept that. This is possible -- the whole key to getting past NPD is accepting the sometimes unacceptable, but it can be done! Best wishes, Beth Defending Yourself against the Aging Narcissist (2) - Blog Entry24 Sep 2008 02:39 PM Hi HopeNOW, as you have read, the narcissism increases with the aging process, not because the narcissism is getting "worse" but because it becomes increasingly difficult for the narcissist to accept the "imperfections" that accompany the aging process. Since much of their reality is built on fantasy, this can only be sustained up to a point. With old age comes the imperfections of wrinkles, arthritis, loss of sexual attraction, loss of an enabling partner perhaps, plus the imposition of poor hearing, poor eyesight, thinning hair, people negating the elderly in general, hospital procedures, etc, all of which are insults to the fragile ego of the narcissist. This in turn makes them even more demanding as they desperately try to hold on to their power. In some ways it is irrelevant that your mother has Alzheimer's, the bottom line is that it becomes even more difficult to reason with a narcissist as they age, the latter disorder merely compounds what that difficulty. It is much easier to care for a parent with advanced dementia (and that is extremely difficult and heartbreaking) than a parent with NPD. And yes, putting a NPD parent into care would be seen as betrayal by that parent, but it is up to each adult child to come to terms with whether this is real or false betrayal. I will comment further on this entire issue with you privately. Best wishes, Beth Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry23 Sep 2008 05:31 PM Hi HopeNOW, thank you for sharing your story with us, I'm sure it will inspire readers that there is hope to escape the sticky clutches of the narcissistic parent. You have come from a place of enormous pain and now there is a bright future ahead for you -- and you deserve it! I will comment further in private. Beth Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry22 Sep 2008 03:48 PM Hi Bittersweet, some of your step-son's behaviors are normal teenage behavior and some suggest that he may be in some emotional turmoil. The latter he may not even be able to express or be consciously aware of himself. Continue to set firm boundaries as you are doing, reinforcing that certain behaviors are not permitted and rewarding him when he engages normally with you. However, it might be wise to consult a psychologist who specializes in family therapy so you, your husband, step-son and his mother can talk to the therapist, both singly and as a group to try to sort out what is driving this behavior. I know he has had counseling before but if it is instigated by you and your husband, you my get better results. Best wishes, Beth Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry21 Sep 2008 02:21 PM Hi DarSC, all of us have self-absorbed tendencies -- we wouldn't be human if we didn't. The incidence of NPD is comparatively rare, roughly 1% of the population, and I have had people consult me who are "sure" their relative has NPD but after reviewing the case, they do not. That is why it is important to have a professional diagnosis as it is easy to be swayed from what one reads on the Internet. It's always best to find that your mother (for example) does NOT have NPD, otherwise there is very little room to move, and ways to improve the realtionship. As for older women, it is true that as both genders age, many become more self-absorbed, either through illness or loneliness and they tend to focus on themselves, but that is not NPD. There is a theory however that NPD is on the increase in young adults due to material indulgence by the parents, parental neglect due to the breakdown in families and the pursuit of jobs, and the failure by parents to permit their offspring to "grow up" by not ensuring they take personal responsibility for their actions. Even in the latter case, however, personality type is important and not everyone who is indulged will ever go on to become a full-blown narcissist. There are older women who are excellent role models out there, but you will find that they have likely been excellent role models all their lives. Keep looking! Hope this helps, Beth Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry18 Sep 2008 04:08 PM Hi DarSC, the "broken back" announcement after your son was paralyzed certainly would fill one of the criteria for NPD. I've had one NPD sufferer trying to consult with her husband's palliative care doctor for all her aches and pains as her husband lay dying. It is not your fault in terms of how the relationship is between you and your MIL, but narcissists are very good at apportioning blame and shame onto others and it often works very well until the victim discovers what is going on and starts to interact differently with the narcissist. Marrying so young would have meant that the chances of you realizing what was going on were minimal -- most people become aware of the real nature of the problem in their thirties and often after they have children of their own and they see certain behaviors being repeated and watching the first-hand effects it has on their own children. Try as best you can not to take on too much of her behavior, and although it is directed at you sometimes, it could be directed at anybody. This is how they behave and you just happen to be the DIL, so some of it will land on your doorstep. I hope your husband and you are able to set first boundaries in regards to what you will and won't accept from her. Best wishes, Beth Forgotten Anniversary - Blog Entry18 Sep 2008 03:31 PM Happy Anniversary Courtney! Welcome to the club! My husband forgot our 10th anniversary (which I thought was important simply because it was the 10th). I laughingly watched him squirm as I wheeled out the gifts but it was all good fun. Anyway, I got caught out 3 years later, when I forgot! I was busy and remembered it, then forgot it. So we are equal and human. Hope Murph is better soon, too. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 |
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