Beth McHugh's comments

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

28 Aug 2008 04:33 AM

Hi coming to terms, sadly no, it is not going to change. There is great freedom in this knowledge, but before the freedom comes the necessary grieving and the anger as you move through the stages of giving up hope of ever getting the mother you want and deserve. You have made a great start in realizing this intellectually, now comes the work of dealing with it emotionally. I would encourage you and others with narcissistic mothers to journal your thoughts and feelings, this serves to get the pain out of your head and onto paper where great insights can be made. If you get stuck in any stage of the releasing process you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

26 Aug 2008 02:59 PM

Hi passioknitgirl, the anger and grieving will empower you to detach, they are not signs of weakness, they are natural manifestations of facing the truth of the situation. To truly accept your mother as she really is, to give up all hope of her changing and to let go completely, will involve you getting in touch with your anger. Your sadness is already apparent when you speak about your loneliness when other women talk about their mothers. Facing that truth is part of the grieving process you will have to go through as well. But you will come out on the other side! Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

26 Aug 2008 01:47 AM

Hi passionknitgirl, I'm sure there are countless stories that you have about your mother, but the one about the rape speaks volumes. First the placement of the blame onto you, and then the denial that it ever occurred. I have heard countless variations on this theme since I have focussed much of my energies into dealing with adult survivors of narcissistic parents. One of the problems you would benefit from working on the the idea of wanting your mother to change. This one really has to go and you can never really be free until you can break that hope. Yet it can be done! And that needs to be successfully accomplished before making any sort of a permanent physical break with her, if that is your goal, because while you live in hope that she will one day love you as you deserve, you can move to the moon and never see her again and yet that hope will not go away. You will be vulnerable to her and others with similar personality traits. It is also hard to "just walk away" and stick with it without going through an anger and grieving process. I hope this helps. If you feel you would like help in detaching emotionally from your mother you are welcome to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

26 Aug 2008 01:36 AM

Hi needtoknow, if your mother truly does have NPD, and it is important to establish whether the condition is actually present, then your sister would have to had bypassed her own needs and wishes and aligned them with those of her mother's in order to be constantly dealing with her and not feeling invisible and merely a servant. She may not even be consciously aware of this, and yet if you criticize your mother to her, she leaps to your mother's defense. This in itself is abnormal because nobody is always right and so there must, statistically and humanly, be times that your mother is wrong. And yet your sister can't tolerate this reality. If your mother is somehow essential to your sister's sense of wellbeing, as you suggest, than she has psychologically aligned herself with your mother and this would also explain why she cannot bear to hear anything bad about your mother because that would mean that if she accepted it, it would challenge her view of reality. There is really nothing special or "golden" about your sister. Obviously your mother sees her as the golden child but that is because your sister is obviously no threat to your mother. You on the other hand pose some sort of threat to your mother, which is why she cannot tolerate any behavior of yours that shows her in a less than perfect light. Your sister sounds quite enmeshed with your mother and does not seem to be questioning any of your mother's actions at all. This is what the process of adolescence is all about, and it sounds worrying for your sister that she cannot live without your mother, if that is indeed the case. At this point in time any relationship you have with your sister would have to be run on very strict guidelines, where obviously you are not able to express your true feelings about your mother. If you steer clear of that, then there will be less likelihood of a fallout. Hope this helps. Best wishes, Beth

There is No Time Limit to Grieving - Blog Entry

24 Aug 2008 03:39 PM

Hi Monsterbab, thanks for your comments and yes, the idea of taking antidepressants to cope with normal occurrences is not a helpful one but unfortunately an ever increasing one. As you say, humans, are remarkably resilient, and popping a pill that really only masks the problem should be the last resort. You might find the article below interesting:

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/depression-the-myth-of-chemical-imbalance

Best wishes, Beth

When Antidepressants aren't the best option (1) - Blog Entry

24 Aug 2008 03:31 PM

Hi Samual, antidepressants are really designed for short-term use, allowing the individual a breathing space within which to work on the issues that are troubling them. Using antidepressants continuously without undergoing counseling changes nothing, keeps you on the drug treadmill, and as you say, merely masks the problem. You can read more about this issue at:

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/depression-the-myth-of-chemical-imbalance

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/antidepressants-are-anti-loneliness-pills

Best wishes, Beth

When Antidepressants aren't the best option (1) - Blog Entry

23 Aug 2008 08:21 PM

You should never "take a break" from antidepressants, they are meant to be tapered off, not stopped abruptly, unless of course there are serious side effects occurring. Anti-anxiolytic medications may be required short-term if this were the case.

A Mother's View from the Pool - Blog Entry

22 Aug 2008 06:26 PM

I'm amazed at how complacent some parents are with their children around water. My MIL is a case in point. She would take six children under the age of 9 (one a toddler) to the beach and allow them to play on a rock platform with waves breaking regularly while she read a novel a hundred metres away.

Tabby's Special Powers - Blog Entry

22 Aug 2008 06:18 PM

Hi Court, your Tabby is worth her weight in gold! Pets have all sorts of health benefits and I'm sure they can also help heal a broken heart. Unconditional love and their sixth sense work wonders.....she's a great friend, and at all hours! What more could you ask for!

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

21 Aug 2008 08:48 PM

Hi Stillsuffering, it's great that you are starting to change your behaviors towards your mother and are moving towards a more empowering place. She will soon work out what is going on and will crank up the passive-aggressive behavior, and may even develop additional medical symptoms in order to gain the attention she needs. Her ability to be charming to others makes it particularly difficult for you as you will then be seen as the "bad" one. There isn't much you can do about it except expect it. The one comfort you can draw from this is that it shows she does have control over the way she treats people when it suits her. Unfortunately you would b seen by her as her extension, her slave and her servant. In your efforts to manage your actions and beliefs about your mother, you may like to aim for a place where you feel comfortable whether she lives with you or not. I understand the thinking behind the wanting to do all you can for your mother, but you must guard carefully that it is not at the expense of your health, your marriage or your children's wellbeing. Some things are just not worth doing for duty's sake. Only you know when enough is enough but feeling that you have a choice in that matter is what a therapist would assist you to work towards, as having a choice reduces the stress of the situation enormously . Good luck! Beth