Beth McHugh's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

30 Jul 2008 04:51 PM

Hi Rosem, firstly I can reassure you that your husband won't have Asperger's and narcissistic personality disorder together, although sometimes the symptoms of emotional detachment common to both can look similar but the two conditions are quite separate. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time and it sounds like your self-esteem has taken a blow in trying to deal with the situation. Yet you do recognize that you are neglecting areas of your life that need attention, such as your health checks and staying on top of the family finances. Being unclear about exactly what you are dealing with would also be generating stress for you, and you sound like you need to first be more in the picture about the family dynamics and also to have some encouragement to take back the reins, at least in terms of looking out for yourself. If your husband has NPD then high levels of manipulation will be present and over a period of years , this can erode self-esteem. If you would like additional assistance please contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

30 Jul 2008 04:40 PM

Hi CPDCOPPURR, you certainly have a handful to deal with here but I am interested in your husband's diagnoses of both NPD and BPD. You also question your own sanity, yet if you are a part of any dysfunctional family it is easy to be swayed by them that you are the one who has the problem since they have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and will turn on anyone who challenges them. As your husband is beginning to establish more healthy boundaries with his daughter and is open to the idea that she is "difficult" I guess as a therapist I would question just how much of his behavior is real NPD and how much has been learned from his mother. At least you are both doing the right thing in setting these healthy boundaries and they are certainly taking effect---hence the rages. Your DIL certainly shows some indicators of possible BPD herself, yet so far, I don't see any from your husband, but obviously you can't tell me everything in one hit.

You are correct in saying you can't change these people, or any people for that matter, but you can change yourself and look at the situation from a more factual and practical viewpoint. If you would like further assistance in resolving the situation from your own perspective and maintaining healthy boundaries of your own, you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com. I'm sure you are not "crazy" or "dumb", but any self-doubts can be detected by manipulative people and used against you. Therefore I would encourage you to look at the core beliefs you hold about yourself and your in-law family to establish for yourself a clearer view of the dynamics that are occurring which are so upsetting to you. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

26 Jul 2008 05:24 PM

Very much so! You are dealing with the pack mentality here. Good luck with your resolve and do what you feel is right for you. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

26 Jul 2008 04:44 PM

Hi Hadit, I'm happy you found this blog useful, there are several others on NPD as well that you might also find helpful. Regarding your siblings, there seems to be a genetic component to NPD, but it is unlikely that all of your siblings would be narcissists. There are at least two factors going on here. One is that when any member of an established groups seeks to rock the boat in any way, the other group members will band together to put pressure on the dissident to conform back to the rules. This is not peculiar to narcissistic family groups but to all groups. The second is that it is very difficult even for adults to admit that their mother doesn't love them, hence children and adult children of a narcissistic parent often get hooked on what I call the the "love treadmill" . If you start holding up a mirror which reflects the truth, people can find the truth very threatening and rather than consider what you are saying they will attack you, which for them is the safer option. You may well be dealing with both narcissistic and non-narcissistic siblings. The non-narcissists will likely put up the most opposition since they have the most to lose. If you would like assistance with this issue please feel free to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

23 Jul 2008 04:47 PM

Hi MSgirl, it is not uncommon to feel that you don't know what your "core" is because, after being enmeshed in a dysfunctional family where you were not allowed to speak your story and were made to feel invisible, it is reasonable to feel that you don't really know who you are. This is because children and adult children of a narcissistic parent are focussed on that parent for love and attention much more than children of healthier parents. Because of this intense focus, there is little space to "grow" yourself, and become familiar with what you want in life for yourself. The focus is always directed outwards on attaining love and attention. The treadmill of pleasing continues. If your mother suffers from NPD, she would find your birth defect difficult to deal with, as she would see it reflecting badly on herself and would have to reject the existence of it as best she could in order to survive. This, coupled with the normal feelings of non-personhood that children of narcissistic parents often feel, would lead to the feelings that you experience. This does not have to be permanent! The lack of healthy boundaries in NPD families also adds to this feeling, but again this can be rectified. Please contact me if you feel you need help in finding "you".

When Your Child's Grandparent is a Narcissist - Blog Entry

22 Jul 2008 11:44 PM

Hi Inga, Your story sounds unfortunately very familiar, with some of characteristic traits of NPD certainly present. In your favor at least, you now know what you are dealing with. Knowledge is power, and although there can be much anger and grief to deal with when confronted with the fact of having to deal with a NPD parent, being in the dark and struggling against an unknown beast is a losing game. When you know what to look for, there is a recurring and predictable pattern to the behavior of a narcissist, even though they can still take your breathe away with their actions! Let me know if I can be of assistance. Good luck! Beth

When Your Child's Grandparent is a Narcissist - Blog Entry

20 Jul 2008 11:51 PM

Hi Inga, first of all, crazy people don't question themselves as to whether they are really crazy, so you can rest assured that you are definitely sane! It is great that you have a supportive husband yet sad that your parents have driven you to thoughts of suicide, or anger and rage at best. If your mother does have NPD and your father is her enabling partner, then this alone would have had a profound effect on you as both a child and an adult. Adult children of narcissists typically move through patterns of sadness and grief coupled with anger. This is normal and to be expected, so you are not losing it. Knowledge is power, so I would encourage you to read all my articles on this disorder to get a better feel for what exactly you are dealing with. If you find that you need additional help in the form of counseling, then please contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

It is possible to get out of the cycle of anger and despair, and to deal with your parents in a more controlled and powerful way.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

14 Jul 2008 05:15 PM

Hi rmg123, the situation you are in is so common with adult children of narcissists who do not follow the family rules. Yes, you are the one with the problem, but only as they see it! You are the healthy one trying to break free or at least set healthy boundaries about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It is also isolating to be the only one in the family who is aware of the family dynamics and attempts to hold a mirror up to the dysfunctional behavior. Hence you will be punished until such time as you conform. But once you are at your stage of recovery, it is not possible to conform any more. If you feel you need assistance in either setting healthy boundaries or breaking the ties completely, feel free to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Family Matters: Marriage Thicker Than Blood? - Blog Entry

14 Jul 2008 04:58 PM

Hi Courtney, when it comes down to the wire, the partnership bond needs to be one that is given precedence. Trying to please both parties results in unhappiness, and ultimately the parents need to respect the decision of their adult child as regards their choice of partner, even if it is the wrong one. Great article!

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

10 Jul 2008 09:50 PM

Hi Amber, this is an awful situation, but your body is telling you via the ME that you do need to cut your stress levels. Part of being an adult child of a narcissist is the lack of boundaries in the family, and this is where the more caring members of the family come to grief at the hands of the narcissist. As you are toying with the idea of cutting ties, you will need coping skills to develop the strength to do this and not cave in with guilt. As regards your 20 year old brother, he is old enough to read about NPD and come to his own conclusions about how he will deal with the situation. As a responsible sister, you can point him in the right direction but that is all you can do. You will also need to develop a game plan for how you will deal with the fallout of any anger from your mother when she discovers you have "left". Recognizing the condition and also seeing that you need to look after your own health at this point in time is great. You can see also that your mother shows you little respect for your illness and unfortunately it is one of the less visible and thus less "real" illnesses, that people can more readily dismiss. If you need help with easing yourself out of the situation with as little emotional damage to yourself as possible, feel free to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, you will get there! Beth