Beth McHugh's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

08 Jul 2008 01:54 AM

Hi DJstillhurting,you have described some classic narcissistic behaviors here, the least of which is your mother's concern about whether you told anyone from the church that you were raped. I am glad your friend was able to convince you that you are dealing with NPD. This is the first step in recovery. Next comes accepting that your mother will not and cannot change. Also you realize that the situation does deteriorate as the narcissist ages. So you have a good understanding of what you are dealing with. Of course, the emotional acceptance is a lot harder than the intellectual understanding, and there can be much sadness, guilt and rage to work through. But there is light at the end of the tunnel! I wish you well in learning how to deal with your mother, which includes setting healthy boundaries. As you have also identified the connection between your mother and your weight problem, as you deal with issues surrounding your mother there will be movement in the weight department. Anytime you feel you need professional assistance, you are welcome to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

07 Jul 2008 03:44 PM

Hi Amilikemymother, there is a suggestion of a hereditary link with this personality disorder, but the jury is out on the ratio of genes to environment. However, if one of my clients asks me "Do you think I am a narcissist?" I can confidently assure them that the answer is "no". Sufferers of NPD by definition do not have the ability to self-reflect on their own behaviors and hence would never have the insight that their behaviors could be having effects on their interpersonal relationships. Have you read the entire series of articles I have written on NPD, particularly those on having a narcissistic mother and the aging narcissist? These may give you further insights into the condition. There is not a lot of good material available on this condition and it is not well known in the public domain. I am currently writing a book on this condition but I don't expect it to be available till next year. My advice to you is to learn to set firm boundaries with your mother as she will attempt to encroach on your rights in the years to come. If you feel you would like personal assistance in dealing not only with your mother but with your own grief and anger that are part and parcel of having a narcissistic parent, please contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

04 Jul 2008 10:33 PM

Hi Crockettaa, there is no correct way to handle a narcissist, only the way that is best for you. Some adult children of narcissistic parents choose to terminate all contact because it is just too painful to continue. Others find it preferable to stay in contact but under certain conditions. Certainly strong boundaries need to be in place in order to deal with the potential damage from interacting with sufferers of NPD, particularly ones with well-developed sadistic traits. Staying in contact with narcissists requires making as few waves as possible without compromising your own self-esteem. If you feel you would benefit from personalized counseling, you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Cocaine: Side Effects and Long-term Effects - Blog Entry

03 Jul 2008 04:30 PM

Drug testing is now quite common in the workplace, it's a pity it's come to this but it's important for public safety. Not sure about routinely testing my family for drugs. That could backfire badly under the wrong circumstances.

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1) - Blog Entry

02 Jul 2008 03:16 PM

Yes, you do, lmv, please see my comments on your other posting.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

02 Jul 2008 03:14 PM

Hi lmv, in all this pain you have suffered with your husband, at least you have the comfort of your SIL so that you are in no doubt as to exactly what you are dealing with. It is particularly difficult to remain emotionally stable while living under the same roof as a narcissist, and any sign of anger on your part only serves to reinforce the narcissist's sense of control and power as they watch you writhing with frustration. Because NPD does not enjoy the high profile of other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia or depression, it can years or even decades to discover that this is what you are really dealing with. So, do not be too hard on yourself in that regard. It sounds like you are coming to a place where you are ready to break the bond. Be aware that if your husband does indeed have NPD, there is no changing him as this condition is what is known as a pervasive personality disorder--it is an integral part of his make-up and personality. By all means contact me if you require assistance in dealing with the inevitable boundary problems associated with narcissists, together with residual anger and grief over the relationship. I wish both you and your SIL success and happiness.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

28 Jun 2008 06:22 PM

Hi what2do, this is a difficult situation for you as you seem to be the only one who recognizes that there is a problem here. Does your husband ever complain to you about his father's or his brother's behaviors? I ask that because if he does, there are positive steps you can take when/if he does so. It can be very difficult for people like your husband to see both the reality of what is going on AND to stand up to such a controlling parent. What often happens is that someone who is in your position, sees the damage that is being caused by this behavior and speaks out. The other party goes into denial and then you become the bad guy and troublemaker. I understand that not only is it not fair for your husband to be doing 95% of the work, but you would be worried about his health, and also the wellbeing of your family. Even when his father is no longer in the picture, there will be ongoing problems with the brother. As your husband is so enmeshed with the job and possibly has had little experience about employment away from his father, and certainly knows no life without his father in it, it seems he is caught in denial. In reality, you have a problem with your husband rather than your FIL or BIL. But that is good! You have a much greater chance of resolving issues with your husband than either of those other two men. I would need to know more specific information about your husband and his attitude to his dad and brother in order to make suggestions to you. You will need to set boundaries concerning your husband's behaviors if they are impacting on you and your family. For in-depth advice, you may like to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com

When Politicians Choose Bad Campaign Songs - Part 2 - Blog Entry

27 Jun 2008 04:24 PM

Loved this, Libby! What a great memory you have! And scary that nobody listens too close to the lyrics.......

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

24 Jun 2008 11:46 PM

Hi eiramjiv, an additional note to my last reply. For individual counseling in dealing with narcissistic mothers my web address is http://youronlinecounselor.com

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

24 Jun 2008 11:42 PM

Hi eiramjiv, many of the behaviors you describe are typical of narcissistic personality disorder. Having a mother who suffers from NPD is one of the heaviest emotional burdens a child must endure, and it often takes a person years, even decades, to work out what is actually wrong with their parent. All parents are powerful to their children, but few are as seemingly powerful as the narcissist, because everything just looks so "perfect" and the narcissist certainly broadcasts that they are perfect themselves and any attempt to point out the slightest flaw is met with rage or humiliation. I'm so glad for you that you were able to muster up the courage to have your second child, I do fully understand the power of the narcissist over even their adult children. But you now understand what is wrong with your mother and that places you in a much stronger position. If you are worried about being a narcissist yourself -- don't be! Narcissists do not have the emotional capability of asking themselves such a question and although many of my clients fear that they will end up "just like Mom" this is not the case. It is important for you to set clear boundaries with your mother, especially as you now have children. Although she can influence them, and will try to manipulate them, she will have less impact on them than she ever did on you and your sister, as they are a generation removed. Part of recovery involves learning to be your own person, too, rather than the pleaser and extension of your mother. It can be hard to extract yourself from the sticky web of a lifetime of trying to please a narcissist and/or believing the putdowns of a narcissist. But it can be done! If you feel you would benefit from counseling you can contact me at http://youronlinecounsleor.com

Best wishes, Beth