Beth McHugh's comments

The experience of losing a parent

17 Sep 2008 05:24 PM

Hi mississippigirl, I am sorry for the loss of your father. It is quite normal to feel a range of emotions after a death, including anxiety and depression. And you are right, it is not helpful that people are offering the "consolation" that it wouldn't have come as too much of a surprise. Even if your father had lived till he was 90, when your father dies, it is a huge issue because we only get one father and we literally know no life without him. Also, you have been under stress with his illness for a long time and you were only a teenager when that started, so you have had a heavy load of emotions to deal with. Have you been able to cry --- really cry -- about your Father leaving you? Sometimes anxiety is just blocked emotions, it may be sadness, it may be anger, it may be both. But it is normal to feel this way and I would encourage you to try to let it out. Cry often and write about how you feel and you may find the depression and anxiety lifts after each occasion. Have a read of the article below:

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-a-death

This will reassure you that the grieving process takes a while so that you do not place unrealistic pressure on yourself to "get over it". Can you talk to your mother about how you are feeling? I'm sure you will pass through this phase, it just takes time. If you ever get stuck you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Adults with Asperger's Disorder

17 Sep 2008 05:07 PM

Hi Christie, I'm glad you have been helped by the articles and the forum. If your husband actually fulfills the criteria for Asperger's, then the departure of his father has not been a contributing factor, since Asperger's is a developmental disorder present from birth (if not apparent till later). There is also evidence of a genetic link within families with Asperger's; do any other extended family members show similar behavior patterns? Best wishes, Beth

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

17 Sep 2008 04:40 PM

Hi roughjourney, weighing up the "no contact" scenario is always a very difficult one and you can really only successfully achieve it when you are free for any guilt surrounding the relationship. Plus it is a decision that only you can make, because you are the one who has to be comfortable with it. Sometimes it is something that you have to work towards rahter than "do" immediately. Having an elderly parent with NPD is very challenging, yet I notice that you refer to yourself as "the only daughter". But your mother also has a son who is, on paper, an adult and equally able to keep an eye on your mother. Just these words alone indicate that there is a belief system still present that would make it hard for you to walk out right now. So, it is possible to walk away but it is necessary to disentangle yourself emotionally first, otherwise the guilt can become a problem in itself. But it is possible! Ask your therapist for help in this area or alternatively contact me at http://youonlinecounselor.com Best wishes, Beth

Should You Confront a Narcissist about their Narcissism?

17 Sep 2008 03:50 PM

Hi treehugger, the first thing that will help is to educate yourself as best you can about NPD. If you haven't already done so, you might like to have a read of the rest of my articles on NPD. Having a good understanding of the disorder does enable you to be able to step back a little from some of the outrageous demands and behaviors. However, do not expect yourself to be able to successfully deal with a narcissistic on every occasion -- no-one can. However, you can learn ways to minimize their impact on your lives but you will also need to look at the cracks in your own personality where they will target and get to you. By cracks, I do not mean personality flaws, I mean things like gentleness and caring -- good qualities that the narcissist will exploit if you let them. It is realistic to say that your MIL will never take responsibility for her own behaviors but that does not mean that you have to tolerate them. Setting and keeping boundaries is essential but can be difficult to establish without the clear understanding of exactly what you are dealing with here. It is also important that you and your fiance stand together on this issue -- being the blood relative, your fiance may find it more difficult than you to set boundaries. If you would like additional assistance you can always contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com as each case is so individualized. What you can learn from this lady is your own strengths and weaknesses, the "weaknesses" in your case being entry routes through which you can be manipulated. If you can learn to withstand this woman, you will be able to withstand anyone! Best wishes, Beth

Stress Relief with Aromatherapy

15 Sep 2008 03:37 PM

No problem! The sense of smell is located in the hind or more primitive part of the brain, which also governs basic instincts such fear etc, therefore aromatherapy has the potential to enhance or change our mood for the better.

Does Your Partner Look Like Your Opposite Sex Parent?

14 Sep 2008 03:18 PM

I don't think the researchers were looking at gross characteristics, like blond hair or blue eyes, or hooked noses. They were looking at spatial relationships such as distance between mouth and chin, etc. I do go for a certain "type" and to my horror when I was in my 20s I realized that "type" was not unlike the gross characteristics of my father. Of course, if anyone told me I look like my MIL, I would swat them!

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member

13 Sep 2008 04:47 PM

Hi pinkblossom, situations involving narcissists are always complicated, as you are experiencing, but the main thing to focus on is the relationship between you and your husband. The pair of you have to stand firm together. It is also important to ensure that it is really NPD that you are dealing with because that has an effect on the way you might approach this brother in the future. There is also the problem of your husband's sister to complicate the situation. I don't really have the space in this forum to deal with your situation individually, you might like to contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com where we could look at ways in which you can protect yourself against the manipulations of your inlaws. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member

13 Sep 2008 04:20 PM

Hi md5417, there are many things you can do to help your daughter, and many signs to watch for that she is being affected by her environment. I really don't have the scope here to deal with individual cases, and you have outlined that court proceedings may be occurring in another blog comment, so if you need additional help in supporting your daughter you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com Your daughter is very lucky, however, to have a father who is prepared to help her so much. As you can see from many of the other postings, this is not always the case and the child is left to fend for themselves against the narcissistic parent. Best wishes, Beth

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

13 Sep 2008 04:13 PM

Hi md5417, I would look at going back to the original therapist who diagnosed your ex-wife with NPD. Although they are not at liberty to discuss the case with you, you may be able to use this therapist as an expert witness in any custody case you may enter into. You can't "defeat a narcissist in court" per se, but you can alert your lawyer to the possibility of your wife's NPD and then engage a psychologist who can give expert evidence in court. Unfortunately your daughter is too young to fully understand the intricacies of the disorder, so you and the court would really be reliant on whether she feels she is personally suffering while in the care of your ex-wife. Narcissists can also be very charming when they need to be and certainly court of law would be a case in point. In the long term, and whatever the outcome may be, you need to be there to support your daughter until such time as she is old enough to recognize the insidious pattern of narcissism. Best wishes, Beth

How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Death?

13 Sep 2008 03:22 PM

Hi Courtney, it's great that you were able to grieve while you were away on holidays. You are right, it's the weekends and on holidays that we actually let go and let the grieving process really get underway as we are less distracted. You will miss you Mom on your birthday (and other days!) but let it out and ride with it. And remember to take as long as it takes, and don't let others impose their "timetable of grieving" upon you. Make those birthdays that are coming up be special days for you. Thanks Court, Beth.