Beth McHugh's comments

How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Death?

12 Jan 2011 04:16 PM

Hi llkinsey, first of all I am so sorry about the death of your mother. You were her only child, so the bond was and still is especially strong. If you read my recent blogs on the topic of coping with death you wil see that my own mother died just recently, so I do understand your pain. Psychologically, it takes a minumum of one year to even begin to get over the death of a close family member and it has not even been a month for you. Plus you have had to deal with christmas. I have just written a blog, also in th same section about coping with your first Xmas without your loved one. Ll, I beleive you are asking far too much of yourself, I am not surprised you are feeling the way you are, but can reassure you that everything you are feeling is normal. Despite all the traumatic things you may have witnessed as a nurse, they did not touch you personally as this has. And why would they? We only get one mother and so it is a big deal when she dies. I can hear that you feel that you have in some way failed her, simply because she died. But you did all you could and more than many adult chiuldren would have done. Your mother did not die alone, you gave her all a mother could ask for and you were brave enough to be there for her at the end. Many adult children walk away when it all gets too difficult. If you feel you would like someone to reassure you that what you are feeling is normal but also to deal with any residual guilt feelings you can contact me at youronlinecounselor.com But do be kind to yourself and most of all, let yourself cry. It is the best way out of this situation. You will always have happy memories of your mother and in time the pain will subside and these happy times will be more at the forefront. At present you are still caught up in the natural part of the grieving process. You will get through it, but it will take time. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

12 Jan 2011 02:30 AM

Hi Fearless, at 22 you are lucky to have discovered so much about your relationship with your mother and are in an excellent position to change your life around so early in your life. Most of my clients who are dealing with mothers like yours are in their 30s, 40s and older and still suffering under the regime of their mother's tyranny. That might sound callous or that I don't really understand but NPD is one of my special interests and it's so disheartening to come across a cleint in their 60s who are still trapped by the messages gven to them by their dysfunctional parent. Yet, age doesn't matter for recovery and they do come to see the problem and learn better ways to cope with their parent and accept that they will never be loved in the way they deserve. If you would like help in disentangling yourself from the situation with your mother you can always contact me at youronlinecounselor.com In the meantime have a read of the other articles I have written on NPD as understanding the condition will assist you in finding yourself and your own strength rather than going though the pain of being invisible and not good enough, neither of which is true. Best wishes, Beth

Forgiving Your Narcissistic Parent

05 Jan 2011 12:19 AM

Hi Sunshine love, there is not much yu can personally do in this situation. There is a relationship problem between Jim and Bret's mother and it sound slikeit is up to Bret'smother to sek help in that direction. Bret is caught in the middle as he can't control his parents relationship. All he can do is offer hsi mother love and support and all you can do is back it up. But neither of you hhave to put up with agreessive statement s from Jim if and you set firm boudaries with him, them he will back off from you and Bret knowoing that you two are a team and won't stand for his hurtful comments. I cannot say without firther information whether you are dealing with a narcissist here, but yu are certainly dealing with a difficult, controlling man. Best wishes, Beth

Sadistic Narcissism: A Different Edge to Narcissism

28 Dec 2010 09:25 PM

Hi Painter, your last comment is entirely true. I would call them psychic vampires as they take and take until you have nothing left to give, and yet you still give and give hoping to fill the endless void until you can get out from their spell. Best wishes, Beth

Do Rapists Really Prefer to Pick Women with Long Hair?

28 Dec 2010 06:33 PM

Hi Elizabeth, a former writer, who was not a qualified psychologist, wrote this article. I beleive it should be removed from the site for that reason. It is important to always seek advice from a university qualified practitioner. This person has not worked for Families for some years but unfortunately some of her material remains, as you have found. Best wishes, Beth

Why Do People Care So Little about People with Mental Illness?

28 Dec 2010 03:58 PM

Hi Elizabeth, you are really spot on when you say that people can't give what they don't have, ie. empathy or even a desire to understand. It is hurtful when people ignore or minimize mental illness to being almost a choice. The detached and self centered do walk among us and it is best to avoid these sorts of ppeople at all costs. Hard though if they happen to be your family. Best wishes, Beth

Munchausen by Proxy: A Special Kind of Child Abuse

24 Dec 2010 11:11 PM

Hi Elizabeth, as with many illnesses, more research needsto be done but it seems that the mother enjoys the attention she receives and the kudos for being such a good and "caring"mother. These mothers do put an enormous amount of time and effort into making the child better. They are often regarded as exceptionally devoted. But unfortunately, they harm so that they can be seen in a good light. Therefore I can't see that the child could come first in their lives. They need the limelight. Best wishes, Beth

Why Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder So Little Known? (1)

22 Dec 2010 05:31 PM

Hi Painter, The more you read up on the condition, the quicker you will understand the pattern of this condition. Try to find a therapist who understands NPD well. Not all do and many of the clients I have dealt with have been labeled as having a "mother complex" when in actuality it is the mother who has the problem. Best wishes, Beth

Forgiving Your Narcissistic Parent

22 Dec 2010 04:27 PM

Hi Painter, all you have said speaks of the subtle manipulations that characterise the narcissitic parent. Your mother also delineates between one child and another. All this is typical behavior. Forgiving is very hard and as I said, even in therapy I never mention to my clients that there is a definite need to forgive. Some times all you can do is let go of the past and most importantly accept and greive about the mother you have been given by fate. Even doing that is tremendous progress and takes a lot of time. All the alternating feelings of guilt/anger/ denial and "oh she's not so bad" that go round and round is also part of the effects of being an adult child of an NPD parent. Despite the pain and the damage, you can get past this, especially the questioning of yourself. If you need assistance working through the problem you can always contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com It's great that you have at last worked out what the problem is and where it lies. Best wishes, Beth

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

19 Dec 2010 07:18 PM

Hi, whowouldbelieveit, I beleive all you are saying

You are describing the classic symptoms of an NPD mother, including the manipulation of other family members against you. This is how the narcissist maintain their power over you. I am sorry that you have had breakdowns due to her behaviors but you can get out of this situation. I specialze in the area of NPD and if you need help in getting out of this situation you can always contact me at youronlinecounselor.com In the meantime, have a read of all my articles on NPD -- knowledge is power and once you identify the pattern of this illness you will be in a position to extract yourself from her "power". She does not have any real power but she has hypnotised you since you were a little girl to beleive that she has. There is a way out.

Best wishes,

Beth