Bewildered's comments

Should You Confront a Narcissist about their Narcissism?

04 Jan 2009 08:07 AM

I believe that my daughter-in-law suffers from NPD. My observations started early in my son's relationship. Every family outing with our family (my family includes my husband, son, and daughter), had instances of sulking, pouting, and efforts to escape from any family activity. She has chosen to make sure it is obvious that she doesn't like our dog, our vacations, our home, our entertaining, our vacation spots, etc. She projects things onto me that I never even think about. She shows jealousy of others and believes others are jealous of her. I am literally afraid to be myself -- any comment is somehow turned into some kind of affront. She is an over achiever and is very talented, but has alienated my son's friends -- except ones that feed her need for admiration. My daughter and I console ourselves by the fact that EVERYONE notices this behavior.

DIL is only happy when she is the entertainer and enjoys being the center of attention. She has successfully made any gatherings with our family (or his friends)such a struggle for my son (we see her sulking under his shoulder and him consoling, but noone is ever able to tell us what we did), that my son keeps his distance. I know he has tried -- but cannot see this clearly. He did express to me early on that he believed she needed anger management counseling -- this was VERY early when she was just developing the control. I never said a thing other than asking why she is so uncomfortable with our family. He went into some explanation about her terrible childhood and how her mother never really paid any attention to her and her father doesn't seem to think much of her achievements. I wanted him to make his own mind up so I never said anything. I had hoped he finally realize this was too much to deal with because the behavior was front and center from the time they first started dating. Their wedding was a full blown event with the most expensive location, photographer, honeymoon etc. Her family (divorced with an over achieving mom and not so successful dad) could not afford so my son approached us with a list and asked what we would pay for. I had suspected and have confirmed that they lied and said to her parents that they had saved and paid for what we actually paid for (open bar, live band). We do not have one picture of our son with us at his wedding.

We are "told" exactly what we should do. We were "told" where the rehearsal dinner would be, etc. Somehow since we are invited to their blown out events where we all need to praise, praise, praise -- they question how we could feel they are not making such grand efforts to make us feel included. However, at our home it is quite the opposite. They will show up late, make it clear they are there for obligation purposes, and leave as quickly as possible. There is never a time that they just visit to "enjoy" being with us. Anything that might make us (especially me -- the Mom) feel good is nixed (i.e., I'm not allowed to speak about my job (something I am proud of), a big event that I was in charge of was not enjoyed because DIL felt she was overdressed and left in tears,). My concern is what this does to my family. My husband will stick his head in the sand and do anything he needs to have a relationship with my son. My daughter is determined to have her brother part of her life, but leaves most vistis with DIL with an inadequate feeling (always sly in the delivery, but definitely there). I feel that my best defense is to stay away, but since they are pregnant with their first child, that means my relationship there will be minimal. I worry alot about the grandchildren. If this person was anyone other than part of my family, my definite approach would be to stay as far away as possible. Since that would mean no relationship with my son -- AND most likely would cause problems with my daughter and husband -- what can I do??