11 Sep 2009 01:01 PM

Is ignorance bliss?

Hi there, I'm new here and looking for some advice or to hear other personal stories. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. We just recently welcomed a baby into our lives. We have a great marriage and both feel very lucky to have found each other. We have always been very close and have a strong bond. I just started working from home, left my corporate job. Things were a little hectic one day and I was irritated and frustrated by the time my hubby got home. I, of course, took it out on him. We were talking about plans for dinner the following week with his female co-worker and her fiance. Well, I don't know why I asked this, but I did. I asked him if he had a crush on a different female co-worker that wasn't invited to the dinner. He finally told me that he had a crush on the one we were going to dinner with - after me interrogating him. I'm the type of person that asks a million questions! This one got me in trouble. By the time he told me we were really heated and he just blurted it out "yeah, I have a crush on so & so." I asked him if she knew, he said "NO." He said he thought about telling me a while ago, but didn't know how to say it without hurting me. He said that he wanted us all to be friends so the feeling would go away. He started working there a little over a year ago and said he was attracted to her soon after. He said the feelings would come and go and they were totally meaningless and insignificant - they were just thoughts in his head. When he said he liked her, I thought OMG he's in love. But when I asked him to describe his definition of like he said she was pretty, friendly, smart, easy to talk to. Someone he would probably ask out if he were single. He said they never went to lunch together, never talked outside of work hours or work functions. I was always invited to everything. He said the most 1:1 time they spent together was walking to the cafeteria for coffee and that most things were done in a group setting. He said there was nothing wrong in our marriage, he was always happy and throughout my pregnancy felt closer to me and his love for me was stronger than ever and said he wanted nothing more than to build a life with me. He said this was just a random experience and that it is natural and normal as you cannot control your thoughts only your actions. He said I didn't act, never even thought about it or considered it and that although other thoughts and feelings may come and go, our marriage means more to him than anything else. I have been really hurt by this situation. It actually comes and goes - sad and happy. Sad for knowing, but happy to know he is honest and that when faced with a temptation, he was strong. That makes me feel good and proves his love. I feel so bad for hurting becuase I honestly understand his experience and I do trust him completey. He is a good husband and person in general. He feels so terrible for telling me now. He just thought it would be best for me to know, that husbands and wives should tell each other these things. He has really tried to explain that what he was feeling was stupid and meaningless and he has gone out of his way to reassure me of his love and commitment. After he told me this, I told him I had a slight crush on a co-worker too. Explained my experience to him and he said it was the same exact thing - nothing special just a new person, a flattering feeling. He doesn't really want to know details, but he knows I will always make the right decision as he trusts me. He even said that he could handle being around the person if he had to. I think it's just the knowing that bothers me. You know your spouse thinks about others, but you don't really know who, and maybe it's better that way. I learned my lesson, big time! Becuase of this we have declined invitations to go out with his co-workers because she will be there. I feel uncomfortable. He said I have nothing to worry about, never did, but he understands and respects my feelings. He said the only harm this situation has caused is that his thoughts became known. I feel bad becuase we always had a good time with his co-workers and now I feel like I'm taking something away from him that he enjoys. But I just really don't want to be around that person for fear that it might make me feel uncomfortable or insecure. In a way, I feel like our relationship has changed...we were once so close and now I feel like this has come between us and changed our marriage. I go up and down, and think sad thoughts like "wow, my husband really liked someone else, thought of someone else, etc." and then I think "well, this is just a testament to how strong our bond really is." and then I think "why do I hurt so bad - this is so normal, I have thought about others too." I really think it's the knowing that hurts so much. Maybe ignorance is bliss in situations like this. My husband said he would rather know if I find someone attractive that I have to be around (due to work or something). I guess he is just stronger than I am.. Anyway, so sorry for the long story. Just thought it would help to let out my thoughts to strangers who can help me move past this and find away to get this off my mind! Thanks so much! I already feel better :)

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