bittersweet2's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member

22 Sep 2008 03:16 PM

I am struggling with my step-son's behavior. I will call him Jay (not his real name). Jay has been in my life for over 7 years (his dad and I have been married for over 5). We have 50/50 custody of him (week on week off). His mother claims to have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder as well as a whole host of other disorders. She is on her 3rd marriage. She left Jay and his dad when he was only 5 turning 6 years old. He is now 14. At first she chose for Jay to stay with his dad full time. It then turned into visitation every other weekend. Once I entered the picture it became 50/50. His mother is a habitual liar, and attempts to manipulate given any opportunity. She copies everything we do, follows us to church, and smothers Jay to the point of driving him crazy. She volunteers at every school activity even though he does not want her to, she does it anyway. She is selfish to the max. My concern is that Jay is just like her. I don't know if he is a narcissist, but I have always thought he showed those behaviors. My husband has dismissed it as normal for his age, but he also admits that he is concerned to a much higher degree.

When he was younger he would get angry if he lost at a game. He would cheat on purpose, then tell us "That is how you play it in Jay's world." He hates school, church, any activity where he can not be in control. He admits people in general tend to drive him crazy. He struggles with sports because if he is not the best, he will get angry, blame the team, the coach, the officials, and want to quit. He will not take responsibility for ANYTHING. He blames everybody, or everything for his problems. In the 7 years I have known him, he has never owned up to a mistake, but he takes all the credit for good things. He will say stuff like "Don't you wish you were as awesome as me." and brag about how he is beating a team on his video game 100 to nothing, like it is reality. He blames us for his chores never getting done, his room being an outrageous disaster, he blames his teachers for his bad grades (he doesn't like them so he says he refuses to do well). We have a toddler and it scares me that Jay behaves like he cares more about the cat than him. One day our cat attacked my son out of the blue, not having been provoked in front of me and my husband. This was a severe attack resulting in several deep scratches on his face, as well as caused bruises to both of his ears. When my step-son heard about it , he blamed his brother, he told us that he deserved to get attacked, and if we got rid of the cat he would go live with his mother, and he would never forgive us. He told us we were wrong about the way the cat attacked him, even though we both witnessed it, and he was not even home at the time. He showed no remorse for his little brother. This told me that I could never trust him with his little brother. Jay puts us down in public to the point where he once ridiculed my husband for his new clothes in front of his entire baseball team, and all the parents. He seems to think that he is the authority on what is in fashion for everyone. My husband is afraid of him to a point. This young man gets away with everything. He does not understand consequences because he can do no wrong. I use to talk to him until I was blue in the face, but he was always right, and I was stupid. When he was in grade school I insisted one day he go back in to get his homework, and he flat told me he wasn't going to do it. I made him go, and he gave me attitude, and was rude to everyone along the way. Once we got into the classroom he threw his backpack in the air, then kicked it across the room. Then he became rude to his teacher. I was beyond humiliated and angry with him for this. I could not believe my eyes. Once we walked out he asked me to get him a milkshake. I then told him how I felt about his behavior, and he was going to be punished for it, he just said "Why, I didn't do anything wrong." He was angry with me for the very idea that he did something wrong, and that I told him I would not reward that behavior with a milkshake. He did the same type of thing to his mother a few weeks later, and she brought him over with a milkshake, but informed me that we are to ground him for the rest of the week. He has ruined Christmas, and all other holidays by being unthankful and flat out disrespectful. There are times when he can be really sweet, and thoughtful, but he can't seem to make it through the day without a cruel comment, or a put down to someone. He is very critical, opinionated, and judgmental. He saw a therapist for a time, but his mother would constantly call him to ask him what was said, or be there with him, we were confident that she manipulated and sabotoged the whole thing. Both my husband and I feel like we are being abused in our own home, and we have given up trying to help him see it, because he lives in "his own world." it is nowhere near reality. How do we get through this? It's not like we can just kick him out of our lives. We do love him, but how do we help him? I guess the better question is how do we cope with behavior we can't change?