blacketyside's comments

Coping with an adult with Asperger's (4) - Blog Entry

28 Mar 2009 04:42 PM

I have taken a great deal of interest in the discussion. I'm pretty sure my husband is displaying classic signs of Asperger's. I've known almost all our married life - 32 years - that something wasn't right. He can't show feelings, makes no attempt at physical contact, stands with his hands at his sides if I hug him and gets very distressed if I show any emotion. He can't handle anyone upset around him and gets angry and aggressive (never violent) at very small insignificant things. He also has a problem with drink although I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic. Sex is something that only ever happens when he is drunk. We have two wonderful grown up children who have also been concerned and puzzled by his behaviour over the years, and looking back they, like me, have covered up his behaviour, protected him and held their tongue when he has " gone off on one". Consequently neither of them went through the usual rebellious stage of teenagers. They had their Dad to do that after all! Sometimes I don't know how to go on, but I can't ever leave him, as he relies so heavily on me. I love him and my heart goes out to him as I've always had an instinctive feeling that he is so vulnerable, but it is so hard sometimes. He was a teacher for 20 years but hated it, so I started a business that we could be partners in and he works at home now with me. But I make all the major decisions - he doesn't want to know. I'm not sure if it's wise to seek a diagnosis, but I know he hurts inside with feelings of guilt and frustration, so maybe he would gain some comfort in knowing it was something beyond his control. But how do I broach the subject? I don't normally get the chance to talk in a calm way about him to his face, without him jumping to conclusions that I'm being critical of him. Other signs of this syndrome in him are a strict adherence to routine, scathing sarcasm which is unwarranted, unimaginable cruelty ( when I don't believe he's aware of it). A prime example is when my father died. He kept away when I spent the last hours with my father and supported my mother with organising the funeral etc. When I got home, exhausted and in pieces, he just looked up, said hello and went back to what he was doing. Later when he came up to bed, he found me sobbing. I had held it together for two days for my mother's sake, but when I got into bed, all the emotion came to the surface. His comment was - quote - "what the f.... the matter with you? I said I was upset about Dad. "So?" was his sarcastic reply, spat out with such venom. "Give me a F...... break!" Then he turned over and went to sleep. I turned very cold ( I will never forget it) and realised that I had just lost (in my father) the only man who actually cared about me. My husband didn't. That was a VERY sobering and chilling thought. Please - any advice would be gratefully received.