Blithe's comments

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

06 Jul 2009 04:16 AM

Hi Beth,

Thank you. I have a face-to-face counsellor already so I won't be signing up for any sessions at the moment but will keep it in mind. The counselling has been helpful in showing me that a lot of the problems of that relationship were more about my ex's beliefs and behaviour than mine, but I couldn't see that at the time and am still struggling to see it! A lot of us (partners/family members) fuel narcissistic behaviour I think by not addressing it directly (I just thought he needed a lot of love to feel secure and stop craving praise all the time). Thank you for posting all these articles -- I'll have a read of some of the others too.

Blithe

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

05 Jul 2009 11:42 AM

Hi Beth and all, this was a useful article -- thank you. I was in a year long relationship with a guy who I think exhibited a lot of narcissistic personality traits but I'm not sure if he was a true narcissist or just became that way under pressure -- would appreciate your views. At the beginning of the relationship he was v. attentive to me and seemed to be v. sensitive to my feelings. After a few months he became obsessively self-involved, v. draining to be with as he talked about himself all the time, was v. critical of others and v. sensitive to criticism himself. I always knew he had issues with his mother (she was quite a damaged person who really idolised him in many ways) but then it emerged that he was also the victim of childhood abuse (physical and emotional). He said our relationship made him feel safe enough to go into therapy, and I cared about him a lot and wanted to stick with him while he went through that, but while he was in therapy he behaved v. badly. I really wilted in the atmosphere of the last months of the relationship -- I didn't feel at ease around him because he was v. impatient and critical in a way which made me feel that I wasn't clever enough or sparkling enough for him as a personality. He decided that the relationship wouldn't work because I wasn't being vulnerable with him, and was too passive, childish and irresponsible. This really hurt, as did his objection to the fact that I wouldn't act out various fantasies with him (socially/sexually) (he said I was repressed and needed help). By the end he was totally absorbed in himself and unable to acknowledge or face up to the pain he was causing me. I stuck with him until it got so unbearable I asked him to make a decision as to whether or not he really wanted to be with me. He said not and I was devastated, because I'd invested a lot in this man and the beginning of the relationship had seemed so good. A few months later he started going out with a girl who is eleven years younger than him, a PhD student younger than some of his students, who he has always idolised because she's incredibly clever (he's an academic) -- she's pretty brilliant and a lot younger and more charismatic than me, so I can see why he would be attracted to her but it hurts so much to think he could just drop the relationship with me. It would help me to believe that he had a personality disorder like narcissism but a few things confuse me (1) although he had trouble understanding people who didn't hold his views, he wasn't utterly ruthless in a professional capacity and showed a lot of caring and concern for others (his students, his friends). I don't think this was all fake. (2) he had at least 3 really nice friends who I really liked and respected -- intelligent people who rated him highly. (3) inbetween the abusive behaviour (using me as an emotional punchbag or devaluing me) he could still be kind and loving in other ways. A year after it all ended, and I still haven't been able to get over this -- still grieving for the loss of that relationship and trying to make sense of it all. Hope you can help!

Blithe