As many of you know, I recently appeared on an episode of the “Dr. Phil” show. My show was about taking on a traditional role of wife and mother, and what our job is in that role. While my opinions came from my experience in being a stay at home wife and mother, it’s created a bit of controversy with those people who don’t agree with me. Dr. Phil’s message boards have been buzzing with everything from women who support my stance on staying home to women who feel I should be the most hated woman in America.
So, to lighten it up a bit, I thought maybe we could take a humorous look at what stay at home moms do in any given day. Here is a daily schedule for any given stay at home mom somewhere in America.
6:30 am – Wake up, wipe sleep from eyes. Find bathrobe somewhere on the floor, put it on. Stumble out of bed, stub toe on toy two year old left on the ground.
6:45 am – Make coffee, spill water on the counter.
7:00 am – Wake kids. Return to kitchen, prepare lunches for lunchboxes. Pour cup of coffee, burn hand.
7:15 am – Wake kids again. Brush teeth, wake up husband.
7:20 am – Threaten children with bodily harm if they don’t get out of bed. Help kids get dressed.
7:30 am – Get kids breakfast and husband a cup of coffee. Pile dishes in the sink.
7:45 am – Instruct children to brush teeth and hair. See husband sipping coffee and reading paper or watching the news on TV (totally oblivious to chaos erupting around him).
7:50 am – Blot out toothpaste with water from the kid’s shirts.
8:00 am – Load up the van, take kids to school.
8:10 am – Arrive at school, wait in drop-off line and hope nobody sees you in your jammies. Drop off kids, narrowly miss hitting child crossing the street.
8:20 am – Arrive home. Husband is showered and dressed and walks out the front door, dripping coffee on the floor as he exits.
8:30 am – Change baby’s diaper and get baby’s breakfast ready.
8:45 am – While baby is eating, clean up kitchen and load dishes in dishwasher.
8:50 am – Clean up baby’s mess, wipe up floor and pick cheerio’s out of your hair.
9:00 am – Dress baby.
9:10 am – Make beds and collect laundry.
9:15 am – Find two day old diaper in baby’s room under pile of clothes.
9:20 am – Load washing machine.
9:30 am – Play patty cake with baby and watch “Sesame Street”.
9:45 am – Zone out watching Big Bird and make lists in your head of things to do.
10:00 am – Change laundry from washer to dryer.
10:15 am – Unload dishwasher.
10:30 am – Prepare baby’s snack, nibble on a cracker.
11:00 am – Lay baby down for a nap.
11:15 am – Clean up bathrooms, scrub left over toothpaste from bathroom sink.
11:30 am – Get dressed.
12:00 pm – Check email, see urgent email from last week you forgot to return.
12:30 pm – Wake baby, feed lunch. Eat baby’s left over pb&j.
1:00 pm – Change baby, clean up lunch mess.
1:30 pm – Clean up husband’s spilt coffee, make cup of coffee for yourself.
2:00 pm – Fold laundry, leave on top of dryer.
2:30 pm – Clean up goldfish crackers baby found and spilled and crushed into rug.
2:45 pm – Leave to pick up kids from school.
2:50 pm – Listen to kids complain about their teachers and friends.
3:00 pm – Pick up husband’s dry cleaning.
3:15 pm – Run to grocery store
4:00 pm – Return home, find dry cleaning in a pile on the floor of van that baby must have pulled down.
4:15 pm – Unload groceries, find 2 boxes of sugar cereal you’re sure you didn’t put in the cart.
4:30 pm – Start homework, look for pencils for 15 minutes.
4:45 pm – Help with homework, racking brain to remember how to add fractions.
5:00 pm – Start dinner. Place pencils in secure location.
5:30 pm – Referee argument between children.
6:00 pm – Greet husband, serve dinner, pile dishes in sink. Listen about husband’s stressful day.
6:45 pm – Drop off son at cub scout meeting.
7:00 pm – Return home. Start dinner dishes.
7:30 pm – Bathe baby. Get drenched like a visit to Niagra Falls.
7:50 pm – Read story, sing one lullaby, put baby to bed.
8:00 pm – Pick up son from cub scout meeting, agree to give friend a ride home.
8:30 pm – Arrive home, start nighttime showers.
9:00 pm – Put older children to bed.
9:30 pm – Finish dinner dishes, wipe kitchen counters.
9:45 pm – Sit with husband, lie about how great your day was. Listen to husband complain about how he is the only one who works at his company.
10:15 pm – Announce that you’re tired and off to bed.
10:20 pm – Walk past laundry room, take more clothes out of dryer, fold.
10:30 pm – Visit www.families.com
10:45 pm – Put baby back in her own room.
11:00 pm – Arrive in bedroom, get in bed.
11:30 pm – Dose off.
11:45 pm – Sit straight up and remember that you offered to make cookies for kids school the next day.
11:50 pm – Write note to self reminding self to pick up store bought cookies before school.
12:00 am – Check, then recheck alarm.
12:15 am – Hear husband coming up stairs.
12:18 am – Pretend to be sleeping.
12:30 am – Dose off again.
12:45 am – Sleep!