I’ve started calling it the “silent wait”—this waiting for a referral part of the adoption process. I was sufficiently warned that the waiting was the hardest part—having filled out all the paperwork, made it through the homestudy, had the physical, chose a program, etc. and then sitting, waiting for the next step. So, I was prepared…sort-of. What I haven’t gotten used to is the silent isolation of the waiting…
I have three biological children who are all in high school and I am a single mom who will be forty in a few months. All I have is my own experiences with my three older children with which to compare my wait to become a mother again. The thing about being pregnant is that everyone knows you are going to be a parent—there are unending conversations, unsolicited advice and baby stories. People ask you if you’ve chosen names, a nursery theme, whether you’ll continue working. Waiting for an adoption referral has been a completely different experience for me.
I mostly work from my home office, but I do have a part-time position as an advertising director with a national specialty magazine. The job is relatively new for me and no one knows that I am waiting for an adoption referral. I haven’t figured out exactly how to bring it up. Even with my friends and family, with whom I’ve shared all sorts of frustrating details throughout this long process, don’t really treat me as an expectant mother. Occasionally, I’ll get “Are you still doing that adoption thing?”
While I don’t have a spouse, my kids and I often add the time qualifier to our conversations—“after the new baby comes” or “when the new baby comes” just as we say, “when school is out” or “when you go off to college.” But we are living in our own world of anticipation. Others have grown weary of wondering when and what we’re up to in our little family. There is no due date to anticipate, no belly to rub, no one is throwing baby showers or asking if I plan to breastfeed.
To the world, I am just a busy, middle-age single mom who looks to be “almost finished” raising her houseful of boisterous teens. Meanwhile, I am silently waiting out this invisible gestation…