This blog is number five in my series discussing the ideal traits that an adoptive parent will have to successfully adopt a special needs child. The individual will have compassion and sensitivity for the inconsistent emotions and sentiments of their adopted child. Sometimes an adopted child will say things that do not make sense from your perspective.
Our oldest is the only one of our five boys who even knew their birth mother. The lady who was taking care of them when the state took custody of them was telling him that she was their mother and Lola was merely one of many people who came to the apartment now and then. I have described the set up where they lived in a previous blog.
At the first family visit, Lola told me that the boys did not call her “mom” because she had never been their mother. We have explained to the boys when they ask about her that she was the woman who had them in her “tummy”, but that she was unable to take care of them. When they press on that point, we explain that she has a problem with drugs.
One day, the oldest and I were taking a trip to Houston to see a doctor. We had not talked about Lola in months. From the back seat, he asked me what gave the state the right to decide that he should be taken away from where he lived and the people that he had belonged to.
I tried to explain that the state took him away because he was not being cared for and the place where he was living was dangerous. He didn’t remember any of that and we talked for a while. I have to admit that the talk made me feel funny.
On a similar trip, he asked out of the blue how he could be taken from the family that he was born in to. I explained that the problem was that he did not have a family and the people he lived with were dangerous.
The next time we visited our psychologist’s office, I mentioned the conversations. He said that all adopted children think these thoughts, that it is a very natural thing to wonder about. He said that usually they think about it when they are older and that it was a very mature thing for him to have these thoughts and try to verbalize them with me.
His insight made me feel better about it. I no longer feel challenged or that our boy is really longing to go back when he says these things.
Related Blogs:
Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 2
Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 3
Adoptive Parenting Traits, More Part 3
Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 4