We talked about marriage proposal I Do’s yesterday, let’s talk about the I Don’ts. There’s a reason to talk about these because I’ll let you in on a little secret, when my husband proposed – he did it the wrong way. A lot of men think that there is no wrong way to propose, but there is definitely a wrong way every woman – it’s up to the prospective groom to recognize what’s right and what’s wrong.
So what did my husband do wrong? The first thing he did was spend the weeks leading up to the proposal ‘setting the stage.’ He did his best to convince me through offhand remarks and serious conversation that he would never be ready for marriage. While I was happy with our relationship, I recognized that I wanted more. Each and every time I tried to broach the topic, to find out if he believed that someday he might be ready for marriage, he rejected the idea immediately.
I ended up feeling very depressed, alone and worried. After all, if we were never going to be ready for the next stage in our relationship was I going to be content to just have what we had? I ended up doing a lot of soul-searching during that time and found that truth be told – no, I didn’t think the relationship would last if we couldn’t grow and mature in the relationship.
The day of the proposal dawned and I was more than a little depressed. We both worked at a large tech company and during the course of the day he sent me three yellow roses, six white roses and a dozen red roses. I thought the roses were pretty, but the gesture felt empty. After all, we’d been fighting and drifting over the last several days and they served only to remind me that flowers didn’t make everything okay.
When he arrived that afternoon to give me a ride home (my car was in the shop), I was not feeling remotely cooperative. I noticed out of the corner of my eye several people watching us, including co-workers who were also our friends. Something didn’t feel right and since I was already angry, annoyed and depressed – I started to become mulish, too. I wanted to know what was going on.
There in the lobby of our office, he dropped down to one knee and he proposed. Flabbergasted, I stared at him and there were all these people watching. I was embarrassed. I was mad. Most of all, I was hurt.
Yes, you read that right.
I was hurt.
He’d been tap-dancing on my emotions for days and this proposal felt like a blow to the gut. I was so mad that I answered his proposal with “It would serve you right if I say no.”
But when I said that and I meant it, I saw his face fall. There were so many people watching us and I finally grumbled out a yes. He was delighted, everyone was congratulating us and all I felt was mad. I wasn’t tearful and happy, I didn’t feel romanced and I most certainly was second-guessing my approval of the marriage proposal.
When we finally made it out to the car, there were two pocket dragons sitting on the dashboard. They were the bride and groom pocket dragons. Since I am huge fan of pocket dragons, this was a deeply personal and sweet gesture and for the first time since the whole “I don’t want to get married” debacle started – I felt a kernel of hope.
Several months passed and a few weeks before our wedding, I told my husband what I thought of his proposal. He bragged to some friends over dinner about how he set it all up. When we were driving home, I told him I thought his proposal stunk. That he’d overdone parts and left me feeling alone and deeply hurt when he sprung his ‘trap.’
It startled him so bad, he pulled the car over and we talked about it. To this day, that proposal stings in my memory. I do not brag about it to others, nor do I reminisce about how sweepingly romantic it was. As happy as we were when we got married and as successful as we’ve been through the years, I still hate that proposal. I still hate the way I was feeling.
So take heed prospective brides and grooms, coming up in my next piece is some proposal I Don’ts. Don’t regret the day you said yes and don’t think about it with vitriol. This is a memory that should be treasured between couples and not taken like a bittersweet pill.