Every couple of months I receive a local magazine sponsored by some area churches. The magazine has regular features plus local stories. One of the regular features is a couple who conduct pre-wedding counseling for a few churches; for the feature, a couple sends their question/concern to them and they respond, using their experience as pre-marriage counselors to guide them. I always find it an interesting read, and although the advice is simple it is always on target.
The concern in the latest issue really hit at my heart. A woman wrote in expressing concern over her fiancee’s explosive temper. He had never hurt her, but she expressed being fearful of him regardless. The fiancee responded by stating he would never hurt her, and even though he knew he had an anger problem. He thought she was making a big deal over a couple of minor holes in the wall.
Wow. That is what went through my head. This guy had to have some major problems if he thought holes in walls were no big deal. While the counseling couple responded appropriately, I found myself wondering how many women and men out there deal with an issue like this. It is an interesting place to be because there are services and supports out there for victims of domestic violence, but there are not a lot of support services for people who have boyfriends or husbands with anger problems who are not physically abusive. Yet, anger displayed violently can be emotionally abusive, especially if you are the “reason” for the anger. While the fists might not be flying at you, the verbal assault occurring while holes are being punched into a wall certainly can be traumatizing.
After I read this little piece I could not stop thinking about the situation this woman was in. They were not married, and she was not financially tied to him – ending the relationship should have been easy from a “technical” stand-point. So why was she not only staying with him, but thinking about committing to him for life? I suppose the easy answer is simply that she loved him, but anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that love is not enough. You have to be able to feel safe with your partner for life – without that basic security how can you work on anything else?
All of this is just my opinion, but I know in my relationship with my husband that feeling of being safe with him is paramount. When I know he is mad about something I can trust he will talk to me when he needs to. I can trust he won’t ever break anything or hit anything/anyone. I can trust it is a temporary thing. If the person you are with punches holes on the wall, how could you trust any of that?