You may have been led to believe that parenthood and martyrdom are synonymous. Perhaps, you often find yourself giving up and giving in the course of family life. It’s one thing to be willing to make the necessary commitments and sacrifices that parenting requires, it’s quite another if you use those sacrifices as a means to control or manipulate family members. How do you know if you are one, and what can you do if you find yourself often playing the martyr?
However you slice it, martyrdom in the family is not a good thing. By assuming the role of martyr, one attempts to control what others do or say, or manipulate a situation by giving up or giving in and making sure everyone knows it! This could mean that the person does all the chores and work and then wonders why she is feeling overburdened—even though she will then use her tireless work as something to try to hold over the heads of everyone else. What are we teaching our kids when we play the martyr? Chances are we are either teaching them that parents are “less than” in terms of expecting to be treated as full, respected family members and people—or our martyr status may be causing them to feel resentment and feel rightfully manipulated. Either way, it’s not a dynamic that causes respect and healthy boundaries.
It can be hard to give up the role of family martyr—especially for a parent. We may feel more valuable and useful because we can see and share all that we are giving up for the sake of our family. However, we are not teaching our children how to have healthy boundaries and respectful, respectable relationships, and we may be setting them up for assuming the martyr role too.
See Also: Setting Boundaries in the Face of Opposition and How Good Are You at Setting Limits?