Watching your kid entering into or navigating adolescence can be a real trigger for your own memories, insecurities, angers, and regrets about being a teen yourself. When this happens, your teen’s life can become a backdrop upon which you project images from your past onto your child. The problem is, those images belong to you, and only you see them because they aren’t really there. If you base how you react upon those self-images, you won’t fully know or understand all that’s happening with your teen. He may look exactly like you did at that age, but I guarantee you he doesn’t feel or experience life exactly like you did. He is unique, and that uniqueness is exactly what’s trying to get out during adolescence. If you persist in misinterpreting what you see as merely being a reflection of you, your teen will find himself with no choice but to move further and further from you.
So how do you disengage your own internal feelings and memories of adolescence from what’s happening with your teen?
First, you must acknowledge that this process of adolescence is as much a journey of separation for you as it is for your teen. We’ll talk about this in greater depth later, but it’s important to start thinking about and considering now. As a parent, your identity as a person can become wrapped up in your child. As your child moves through adolescence into adulthood, that identity is going to change because your relationship is going to change. Now is a good time to start looking, really looking, at your teen as more than just an extension or a projection of yourself. This nascent adult is going to be birthed through adolescence with different viewpoints, perspectives, experiences, talents, preferences, goals and dreams than yours. If you haven’t started already learning to accept, acknowledge, and – absolutely wherever possible – approve of whom this unique person is turning into, you’re late, but you have some time to catch up.
Second, be prepared for changes. What was true about your child five years ago may not be, and probably is not, true anymore. She may have wanted nothing more than to become a veterinarian at eight, but at thirteen she’s determined to be an artist. You were willing to consider taking out a second mortgage for veterinary school back then because at least she’d be a doctor, but now you’re not so enthused about her plans of going to Arizona when she graduates to study art as a part of “just living life.” Remember, teens are trying on different personas and imagining different futures. This is normal, so throttle back on freaking out just yet.
Third, you need to start really paying attention. About some things, your teen will let you know early and often. About other things, your teen will be much more secretive. It’s time for you to take out a rarely used tool in the parental arsenal – subtlety. You will need to become quietly observant. really listen to what your teen says or doesn’t say. Watch the body language; remember, more communication is nonverbal. Again, we’ll talk more in depth about this later, but start watching more and lecturing less now.
The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To participate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts about the book.