We talk about response and reaction here as parents—particularly how to respond to our children’s most challenging behaviors. Recently, a mom confessed to me that she had to learn how to have strong enough boundaries and respond to her child “like an adult”—to her, this meant not responding in kind to her child’s emotions: yelling back when he yelled, being petty or pouting when he acted that way to her. I think she is right in that it comes down to boundaries. Our relationships with our children can be so close and intense that we can have a hard time figuring out where they stop and start and we stop and start.
Responding and reacting to our children like a grown-up means that we know that we are the adult and that we are separate and secure in our identities away from our children. This means that we don’t have to take it personally or get wounded when our children behave in a way we don’t approve of, or seem to be especially needy or clingy. We know that we are not going to get “swallowed up” in our children’s emotions or behaviors so we can stay steady and keep the upper hand.
So, how does this play out in a real interaction? Let’s say that your child is angry and shouts “I hate you!” if you respond with “Well, I hate you sometimes too!” as you feel yourself get angry and aggravated, you are not reacting like a grown-up. It really sounds more like two young peers on the playground. Responding with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way right now, but I still need you to pick up your toys” would be more appropriate, or even ignoring the child’s remark if that seems to reasonable.
In order to respond to our children like an adult we need to remember that our child is separate from us and that we don’t have to react, respond and get sucked in to every drama they attempt to create. We’re the parent.
Also: Thinking Like a Parent, But with Empathy for the Child
Developing a Strategy for Answering Questions
Expressing Anger Can Help You Move On