Children of Open Adoption and their Families, by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner, is an important read for adoptive parents, whether their adoptions are open or not. Other books describe the process of adoption. This book explores how the children in open adoptions actually feel and think, and how the adoptive and birth family members feel. These stories of children and their parents are a gold mine for those of us who’ve always wondered, “But how does open adoption work, exactly?”
This book was written in 1987, but open adoption had already been in place in some agencies for a few years, so that the book features some children of elementary-school age and under who had been in an open adoption from the beginning, as well as those who originally had closed adoptions, but established contact later (while the adoptee was still a child). None of the teens had, at the time this book was written, grown up with open adoption, but some had adoptions that were opened later.
The authors, adoption specialists within their fields of social work and counseling, define “open adoption” as including some direct contact, unlike “openness in adoption” (which I’ve now heard referred to as “semi-open adoption” and which may include: provision of information but no contact, one meeting of birthmother and adoptive parents before the child’s birth, or contact through an intermediary.
The authors caution that all parties should respect each other’s internal process of readiness for contact. Some parents (birth and adoptive) whose stories are in the book were dubious about the benefits of contact, fearing further pain, but on being provided with more information on the potential benefits of open adoption, in time became willing.
The authors even heard from an adoptive mother whose international adoption had become open. The adoptive mother, during her post-placement reports (required at certain milestones during the first year after placement of her infant from Korea), requested contact information and got no response. A year later she followed up with a call to her adoption agency, which after some discussion about her reasons, contacted the agency in Korea. The adoptive mother sent a translated letter to the birthmother. She received a reply expressing gratitude that the child was with loving parents, well and happy.
The authors conclude the book with a chapter summarizing the benefits of open adoption for various parties–to children, as they have done throughout the book, but also to birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoption professionals. They conclude with what they believe is the ultimate testament to open adoption—a quotation from an eight-year-old who has always known her birthmother. It is clear that the girl knows who her parents and main family are, that she feels good about herself and her birthmother, and that the fact that she came into her family by adoption is “not a big deal”.
Please see these related blogs:
Book Review: The Open Adoption Experience
Book Review: The Girls Who Went Away
Book Review: I Wish for You a Beautiful Life