The Post-Adoption Blues, subtitled “Concerning the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption”, is written by a husband and wife team. Dr. John R. Thompson, MD, is a child and adolescent psychiatrist. His wife, Dr. Karen Foli, PhD., is a registered nurse and a medical writer who has written extensively about children with special needs. Together they are the parents of two sons by birth and one daughter by adoption. Their daughter arrived from India at the age of five months.
Karen Foli experienced many emotions upon meeting her daughter. These included some emotions which she had never expected, such as guilt, confusion, shame, frustration, distance from her daughter and family.
Shocked by these feelings upon the arrival of her much-wanted and much loved child, Karen tried to keep these feelings to herself. Gradually she reached out to her husband and friends, and began to conquer her anxieties and bond with her daughter. She also began to realize that she wasn’t the only adoptive parent who felt that way, and that there was little information available. This book is an attempt to fill that void.
The authors’ stated goals for the book are:
–to “narrow the gap” between adopting parents’ expectations and the possible realities, believing that this lessens stress and depression.
–to teach adoptive families to confront stress and depression by naming the emotions they are feeling
–to open a dialog on post-adoption emotions in order to contribute to better preparation for adopting parents
–to help parents ask for the help they need and know where to find it
–to describe coping strategies
–to reflect on the vulnerabilities of each type of adoption:domestic (open or confidential), international, foster parent, or kinship.
The book includes but does not focus on the authors’ own story—their unpreparedness for the grief exhibited by a five-month-old infant, and their assumption that the parenting and discipline style that worked for their sons would work for their new daughter.
One great strength of this book is that it addresses infant, foster care, international, and the all-too-often forgotten kinship adopters—relatives who, due to unanticipated circumstances, find themselves adopting and/or raising a family member’s children—perhaps their grandchildren or nieces or nephews.
There are quotes from several adoptive and/or kinship parents, including a woman who raised her two grandsons for two years before the court returned them to their birthmother, a single woman who adopted her twelve-year-old niece who had been in foster care, a divorced mother raising one birth child and one adopted child, a couple raising one birth child and one adopted child, a couple with three children—one each by birth, domestic adoption, and international adoption; and a married mother of a daughter adopted internationally.
There are also quotes from the authors’ assembled “expert advisors”, including a nurse who did pioneering research on postpartum depression, adoption agency social workers and directors, adoption investigators and mediators, psychotherapists specializing in adoption, parent advocates and parent support groups founders, and staff from an adoption medicine clinic and an attachment therapy center.
The book is very readable in style. It contains tools for assessing where you are, your strengths as a family, and what your unvoiced expectations may have been. It addresses how to work through letting go of unrealistic expectations of yourself, of the birthparents, of the child, and of family and friends.
In my opinion a weakness of the book is too little discussion of clinical depression and medication. The authors’ position is to applaud people who take medication for seeking help treatment. They admit that “there is no doubt a chemical basis” for depression, but they believe medication is never a complete solution.
Some researchers believe up to 70 percent of adoptive parents experience high levels of stress and “the blues”, if not clinical depression. This book can help adoptive parents understand what they are feeling, and also help adoptive parents in different situations understand each other better.
Please see these related blogs:
Postpartum Depression: What are the Symptoms?
A Christian Mother’s Experience with the Baby Blues
Postpartum Depression: Not Just for Moms