When I talk to parents of young children, many will share that they want a relationship with their children where the kids can “ask them anything.” Talk to parents of teenagers, however, and they might just as likely say something like “there are things I just don’t want to know.” Building and maintaining an open line of communication with our child takes commitment and an openness to dealing with whatever comes, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. If we want our children to feel free to talk to us about anything, then we need to figure out how to be the sort of parent who can take it…
A few years ago, I decided that it was not enough for me to “say” that I wanted to have an open and honest relationship with my kids; I needed to show them that I was un-shockable. This is far easier said than done as many of you know—but it is an important element to open communication. This does not mean that I always approve, it also doesn’t mean that I don’t have opinions and reactions to things they might tell me, but what it does mean is that I am not going to modify the way I treat or react to them or be judgmental when they share things. I can have my own opinion and values and still be open to hearing what others have to say and that goes for my kids too.
The flip side of setting up a scene where my kids can ask me anything is that I have to work on not overreacting and have to be willing to give them honest and complete information. They need to be able to count on me to tell the truth as I know it and not hold back or “fib”. I have noticed with my kids’ friends that the reasons they feel they cannot talk to their parents is that they think their parents will judge them, punish them, overreact, or not be honest with them. If we parents can tackle these obstacles, and we really WANT to, then we can work to create the kind of relationship where our children really can ask us anything.
Also: Holding Grudges or Letting Go–Teaching our Kids About Forgiveness
10 Ways to Make Your Communication More Effective