Ed Paul and I dialogue regularly about Care of African American Children in Transracial Adoptions. While I have little experience in being adopted, I have tons of experience in being African American. This week, we discussed how to handle conversations (that the kids may bring up) about different skin colors. Being from a large extended step family, I experienced this problem growing up. Ed asked me to share my advice and experiences.
Ed mentioned a comment one of his children made which I will address:
Once, Matthew (has African American features) said as they were getting out of the shower, I wish I was pink like Tommy (mulatto).
From what I know of Ed, I am sure he was both shocked and heart broken. Comments like these are a symptom of the legacy of slavery passed onto the African American community of higher status based on lightness of skin. Real, or imagined, many of us carry this with us today. A recent study on African Amercian Children and Doll preference, unfortunately drives this point home.
My family also boasted a myriad of skin colors due to my mom marrying a widower when I as 5, and the subsequent births of additional children. My second youngest brother could have easily been mistaken for Hispanic, while my brother closest in age to me had incredibly dark skin. The 7 other children’s skin tones fell anywhere in between.
My parents made difference in skin color in our home a non issue by forbidding such discussions. They did not forbid it in a “you better not” way, but in a matter of fact, interjected comment, and change of conversation way. For instance when my older sister once remarked that I looked “Indian Red”, my mother remarked, yes, she is Indian red, and you’re caramel brown. Both are very pretty colors. If any teasing occurred, like calling someone “yellow” or “black”, a reprimand was in order.
Ed Paul’s problem is similar to that of my darkest brother. He has a child that stands out from his family because is skin is much darker, as is the texture of his hair. He feels inferior. My brother felt inferior because kids in school (who were also black) teased him with harsh words like “tar baby”. My parents and each of us, always went out of our way to remind him that “black was a beautiful”.
Once you are aware that a child has an inferiority complex due to skin color, you have to consciously take the time and imitative to raise his self esteem. There are books you can purchase and read. There are famous and prosperous people you can compare him to (If he resembles Will Smith or Tiger Woods, tell him so). There is your hugs and love that will let him know that his skin color, while beautiful does not matter to you.
Andrea Hermitt is a blogger for homeschooling on families.com. Read more of her blogs here