When an infant has a need (such as the need for nourishment) which is not met, there is a big emotional response. That’s because the stakes are so great. If the child isn’t nourished, he will die. So he makes his needs known rather dramatically, crying and thrashing about. If this emotional response eventually brings him the sustenance he needs, he begins learning to trust. He discovers that when he is vulnerable, someone in his life will respond lovingly. As the child grows and develops, trust continues to build as the cycle repeats over and over again. For example, the child falls and scrapes his knee, and mother comes with a band-aid and a hug. He doesn’t make the basketball team, and Dad is there to put his arm around him and provide comfort. Or she develops an illness, and her parents get her the proper medical treatment. A child’s self–esteem and security builds as he/she learns to trust.
A Broken Trust Cycle
Problems develop when a young child’s trust cycle is broken. Sometimes this is caused by abuse or neglect. A child who was neglected learns that expressing his needs might only leave him utterly exposed and disappointed. So he shuts down, refusing to open up to others about his feelings. An abused child is even more fearful of emotional vulnerability and expressing needs. He might use anger or destructive behaviors as a protective shield, rejecting others before he has the chance to get hurt.
Some children were neither neglected nor abused but have had their trust cycle broken for other reasons. They may have needs which, through no fault of their parents, could NOT be met. Perhaps the child has ongoing pain or physical difficulties which a loving parent simply cannot alleviate. Or maybe the child has language delays and cannot communicate his needs in a way that adults can understand. Although these kids have loving, nurturing parents, they may still have trust issues, and might emotionally withdraw or display aggression. Raising a special needs child is difficult to begin with, but is additionally challenging when the child has not learned to trust.
Teaching Your Child to Trust 
- Set-up predictable daily routines. A child who has been disappointed by his needs not being met is less secure than other children. Life has become a source of frustration. Setting up a predictable daily routine builds trust because a child knows exactly what to expect from his world. He can predict when his next meal is coming or when mommy is coming back or when he gets to play again or when he goes to sleep. As you stick to the routine, your child begins to foresee your actions, and trust is strengthened as you follow through. Discipline should also be predictable, so the child knows exactly what will happen when she misbehaves. Even discipline can build trust when it is consistent, fair, and expected. Using a transition board may help set-up a daily schedule.
- Strengthen communication. A child who cannot express his needs is less likely to have them met. Building language skills should be an absolute priority, even if it means using sign language, simple words, or posters with picture icons. If the child already has mastered age-appropriate language, communication should still be strengthened on an emotional level as parents take time to engage the child in conversation which demonstrates interest (see number three).
- Show genuine interest. Engage the child in conversation about the things she likes most. Is he excited about superheroes? Does she love playing dress-up? Get on the child’s level and demonstrate real interest in what HE likes to do. This motivates the child to talk about feelings because the topic naturally stimulates him, and feels safe. Make time to be emotionally available to your child. Floor time play is an excellent vehicle for this. Reading books together is also a great way to promote conversation.
- Be trustworthy. Keep your word and follow through. A while back my pre-school aged daughter was begging me to “go shopping,” which I knew for her meant goofing around at the mall. I didn’t have time to do that, but finally said, “Okay, we’ll go tomorrow.” The next day, my daughter excitedly got ready and I started to tell her how busy I was and how we’d have to go another time. A look of disappointment crossed her face, and I realized I was damaging the trust between us. I grabbed my coat and took her to the mall. We had a great time, but most importantly I kept my word.
- Let time be your friend. It takes time to build trust in a child who has had a difficult start. There will be hard days, but as you demonstrate your ongoing commitment to your child’s happiness and well-being, he or she will take notice. Your actions should say, “I don’t care how much you shut me out or get angry, I’m still here for you. I’m not giving up.” Eventually your efforts will strengthen your child’s feelings of security and inner-peace.
What methods have worked to strengthen your child’s sense of trust?
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.