Complaints are better than criticisms. I used to think complaints and criticisms were the same thing. Apparently, I wasn’t basing this on much in the way of substantial evidence. Marriage Guru and Therapist John Gottman calls criticism one of his four horsemen of the apocalypse where marriage is concerned.
So let’s think about this for a minute. I can see his points. When we criticize someone all the time, we can alienate him or her and push him or her away. When we complain, we can express upset and a desire for help.
Complaints can be filed and resolved.
Criticisms leave little in the way for maneuvering.
Imagine, if you will for a moment, a conversation that begins with a simple request. “Do you have time to stop by the store today?” That’s a simple enough request, right?
“No. Do you have any idea how much I have to do today? You’re always dumping errands on me – can’t you do anything for yourself?”
Well, the initial question was answered, but how do you respond to a statement like that? You don’t even need a tone of voice to hear the hostility present in the words. The response is immediately critical and it attacks, there is no room for discussion and there is no satisfactory answer to it.
The spouse who feels so put upon may have a legitimate complaint, but by openly criticizing they aren’t leaving their partner with any room to maneuver. The choices they’re faced with is to withdraw, apologize or get angry and whoosh, we have an argument now.
So if you can avoid criticizing and offer a complaint instead, you’re more likely to get a dialogue and some help, rather than a withdrawal or worse – a fight. So here are a couple of suggestions to help you out when you’re feeling frustrated or angry. They aren’t perfect suggestions, but they help me when I need to express displeasure and keep it in the form of a complaint, rather than a criticism.
First, things said in haste are often regretted in leisure. Flashes of annoyance happen all the time, but a fight can make you miserable for hours. I remind myself to take long, deep breaths. Assume good intentions on the part of my spouse (whether they are there or not is irrelevant) and respond in a way that let’s my point of view be heard and yet invites them to respond at the same time.
So for our example above, I would have tried to say. “I would really rather not, if it’s not important. I have already buried myself in things to do today.” I let my husband know that I’m already frustrated with how much I’ve got to do and I’m not rejecting him. In fact, I’m opening a line of dialogue that gives him the chance to talk to me about what is going on. I’m complaining to him, not criticizing him.
Second, instead of letting things build up and pressure you with frustration, ask for help. This is actually harder for me than I like to admit. I tend to over nurture and I am have a hard time setting boundaries and saying no. Amazingly enough, while I have no problems with confrontation, I seem to have problems with saying: Hey, I can’t do it all.
My husband has the same problem. He doesn’t think to say Can I help? That leaves us in a pickle more times than not. I want his help. He wouldn’t mind helping at all. But since neither one of us brings it up, we end up with one or both of us dealing with resentment, helplessness and frustration.
So practice asking for help. The way I do it is by starting every day off with a five-minute conference with my husband. Seriously, we call it our morning team meeting. We’ve only started doing this in the last several months, but it really pays off in avoided stress and the arguments that can follow.
We both talk about what we have going for the day and compare notes. Then we run down the list of what I like to call joint responsibilities. We then divide those up equitably based on schedule. It’s not a perfect system, but it’s a great reliever of pressure and helps us stay on track – together.