Beth’s blog about parents and death prompted me to write about my experience. My father died when I was 16. It was sudden and left Mom and me reeling with shock. I didn’t have brothers and sisters to turn to but Mom and I had each other. My mother died when I was in my 30s. Hers was a battle with cancer that went on over a few years.
Like Courtney, I pretty well put my life on hold. I dropped out of bible study, church and everything else I’d been involved in,but continued to read my Bible and pray at home as I looked after my Mom when she came to live with us.
Fortunately some friends came at times and stayed with Mom allowing me to do necessary things like shopping or just occasionally spending a bit of time with my husband on our own.
I did things during that time I never expected would do. All the nursing type jobs and giving morphine shots when Mom was in pain didn’t come easily. I’d never been the nurse type of person. I was able to, only because God enabled me. I know He helped me to keep my faith, even though I was effectively cut off from church because for that time I believed my priority must be my mother.
Yes, I was criticized by some Christians. But I did what I believed God wanted me to do especially since Mom was not a Christian. And that made everything harder. I wanted God to act and heal her. I wanted a miracle.
Watching her suffer was hard and then when Mom died I was extremely angry with God. Why hadn’t He healed her and performed a miracle?
Instead He performed the inner miracle changing her heart and bring her to Himself. But I couldn’t see that at the time. I was too angry with God for not answering my prayer my way, for Mom’s suffering while I felt helpless, and then taking my mother away.
I went back to church and bible study after Mom’s death. I never turned away from God, but I sure carried that anger around for a long time.
Eventually after a lot of raging at God, the Lord got through to me and made me see I needed to deal with all that anger and accept the situation as it was, rather than how I’d wanted it to be. I asked him to help me deal with the anger and change my attitude because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.
No, it wasn’t easy. It took a long time. And occasionally, at Mother’s Day or her birthday or when I have exciting news, it’s still hard.
But, at least most of the time, now, I can look back and be thankful for the time I had with her and the relationship we had. And I can thank God especially for the way He upheld and challenged me and didn’t turn away from me and my anger. The great assurance I have to hold onto is that one day in heaven we will meet again. What a reunion that will be!
Please visit these related blogs
the experience of losing a parent