We have a different kind of Dear Heather question today, one that tugged at my heart and I actually had to think on long and hard before I answered it. For reference, I also spoke to my general physician to get some medical feedback on this type of problem and as I am far from a physician or a registered expert, I recommend that if you feel you need expert advice, that you talk to your personal physician as well.
Misery Misses Company
Dear Heather,
I can’t believe I am writing to you on this. I would prefer not to sign my name, because I think I am not happy that I am complaining about this. But I like to read your blogs and I like the way you say things. So here is my problem, I went on a diet two years ago and I started working out regularly. It was supposed to be a joint effort with my husband, but after the first six months – he lost interest. I didn’t, I liked it and I was enjoying myself. I’ve lost over 75 pounds and I’m in better shape now than I was when we got married or when my two children were born. I wear a size 9. I’ve never been in a single digit size before. The smallest I ever was – was a 13/14. If you’re wondering what the problem is – it’s my weight loss – I’ve never been happier with myself – but I think it’s caused problems in my marriage. My husband and I don’t seem to click anymore. I enjoy getting more physical and he enjoys a good lie in and there’s more. I miss my husband – I miss having him with me and enjoying the same things. I feel like I need to put the weight back on or we’re going to have real problems. Why am I so unhappy with my success?
– Misery Misses Company
Dear Misery,
Thank you for your very honest and frank assessment of how you are feeling. I’m sorry that your success feels tainted by this source of unhappiness. But first and foremost, have you talked to your spouse about how you are feeling? In a marriage, like in life, there is an equilibrium. When one partner or the other begins to make significant strides and overcomes obstacles – it can intimidate and even put pressure on their partner to do more as well.
It could be that your spouse is very happy for you, but that he just doesn’t want to do some of what you are doing. It could be that he is intimidated. His displeasure may have nothing to do with you whatsoever. It’s dangerous to assume that your weight loss is the source of marital problems without opening the channels of communication first.
It’s also not uncommon for people who have been overweight for years to experience feelings of depression at the changes they have wrought in themselves, even when they are changes they wanted. It can take you time to get to know who you are now – and if your mental perception does not match your exterior, it can also take time to adjust. This is true for the person who gains a lot of weight and the person who loses a lot.
Your body image may be struggling with the change and you may in turn be projecting that resistance onto your spouse. So be talk to him, open up about how you are feeling and find out how he is feeling. I have often found that what I think my husband is upset about something that I am feeling some agitation over, I tend to blow it up into something far more major than what it actually is – when I talk to him about it, not only does it help me, it helps him – because it makes him aware of my perceptions of his behavior. Our perceptions are as important to our image of ourselves as they are to our images of others.
I hope that helps and good luck to you and if I haven’t said it already, congratulations on the journey you are on towards fitness and health! It’s an inspiring weight loss and more.
Related Articles:
Your Body Image versus Your Workout
Men’s Fitness: How Does He Feel About His Body?
Body Image or Self-Image? Why Your Self-Concept Matters in Weight Loss
Rapid Changes in Weight Loss & Fitness May Require Therapy