Ah, communication…that troublesome, illusive skill that can create all sorts of difficulties for us as single parents—especially when it comes to trying to communication with our “Ex.” With all the history and the ability we may each have to really “push each other’s buttons and triggers”, one of the main challenges of getting to healthy place after a separation or divorce can be developing a new communication style that works and makes it possible for us to focus on co-parenting the child or children.
There is no law that says divorced parents have to be friendly and able to talk to each other face-to-face. I remember in the early months of my separation and divorce—e-mail became the preferred mode of communication between my children’s father and me. Now, we can talk on the phone, and even comfortably in person (if the conversations are brief and business-like), but in the beginning, it really helped to share information in a very structured, non-personal e-mail. According to the experts, this is fine. It can be a good way to create a communication style that isn’t “charged.” Voice mail can work well too.
The one thing that is NOT a good idea is to use the children as communication go-betweens. It is important that the parents find a way to be adults and develop a new style of communicating with each other that is focused entirely on parenting the children—and NOT use the children to deliver messages back and forth. This is unfair to the kids and puts far too much of the adult responsibility on them. Whenever my Ex would send my kids with a message, I would gently tell them that I would need to talk with him to get all the details, letting them know that I was letting them off the hook. Eventually, he got the message that he was going to have to communicate with me directly regardless and stopped trying to send messages via the kids.
Developing a new, working communication style after a separation or divorce can take time. Just remember to keep the focus on the kids and find a way to communicate information and take care of the “business” of parenting, without getting locked into old dysfunctional communication styles.
See Also: Finding Things You CAN Agree On and Thinking of the Other Parent as a Business Partner