John Gray is probably best known for the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” In fact, he’s written an entire series of books with the Mars and Venus theme. One of them, “Mars and Venus Starting Over,” is subtitled “A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One.”
Both men and women, Dr. Gray says, can have problems “starting over,” but their problems are different. For some reason, though, when it comes to addressing the issues of single parents, the book only discusses single mothers, not single fathers (perhaps because it was published in 1998?).
So I’m only able to summarize Dr. Gray’s views about single Moms and dating here.
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A woman tends to overcompensate for the loss of her children’s other parent by giving more of herself, by sacrificing her own needs for those of her children. She may also do this if she’s still in pain over the loss; doing more for others is a way of escaping her pain, Dr. Gray says.
She may also be afraid to look for love again and, by throwing herself into parenting, she can avoid dealing with her own needs. As a result, she pushes love away, which Dr. Gray says is not only not good for her, but despite what she thinks, it’s not good for her children either.
Why isn’t this good for the kids? Because, when their mother doesn’t fulfill her adult needs, her children will at some level feel responsible for meeting her needs, for making her happy. But children can’t meet an adult’s needs and this inability may cause them problems later in life.
As adults, according to Dr. Gray, sons will feel frustrated and defensive if they aren’t making a woman happy. Daughters, on the other hand, may imitate their mothers’ self-sacrificing, people-pleasing ways and end up feeling resentful because their own needs aren’t being met.
It’s much healthier, Dr. Gray believes, if the woman takes responsibility for her own needs, which relieves her children of this burden. “Instead of prioritizing the needs of her children, she needs to prioritize her own needs first and then her children’s needs,” he says. “This is not license to ignore a child’s need, but it does give a single parent the necessary wisdom and permission to take care of her own needs first.”
If a woman gives too much and sacrifices too much for her children, then the children will never learn how to find that balance between meeting others’ needs and meeting their own. “One of the greatest challenges of single parenting,” Dr. Gray says, “is continuing to nurture your own adult needs.”
The issues are similar when the woman does become involved again in a loving relationship. She may worry that her children will be jealous or upset about it and may hide her feelings for her new partner from them.
Dr. Gray says that this is exactly the wrong thing to do. If children see that this new person makes their mother happy, then eventually, they’ll begin to welcome him.
Until that happens, though, jealousy and resentment of a new partner should be expected; they are expressions of children’s hurt, anger and fear over their parents’ breakup or over the death of their other parent. Dr. Gray advises that, “Instead of trying to convince a child that the new partner is likable, a parent should focus more on helping the child feel and express her loss.”
Overall, when we take care of ourselves, we spare our children from believing that’s their job and also model healthy adult behavior for them. “When we are taking responsibility to help ourselves and get support from family, friends, groups, or therapy,” Dr. Gray says, “our children are released from carrying our weight.”