My mother is worried. She is worried that taking our daughters to Korean culture camp, Korean lessons and Korean-adoptee playgroups will make them feel different from the rest of us.
Part of me wants to roll my eyes at her and scream, “I think they’ve noticed we’re a bit different, Mom.” While we’re lucky to live in a pretty diverse community, my daughter does hear people ask me where her mother is. She’s heard someone make a condescending remark about how my children obviously have different fathers. She’s even been told once by another child that she “doesn’t look like an American”.
Most experts seem to agree that children should be taught to feel pride in their heritage, since it will be noticeable. Many adult adoptees say they wish their heritage had been discussed more.
But in a way, I think my mother has a point. I wonder if adoptive parents haven’t gone to the other extreme, from not acknowledging their child’s differences to enthroning those differences at the center of family life. Being a multiracial adoptive family is an important part of who our family is, but it is far from the centerpiece of our family identity. Our faith, our extended family,camping, service projects, arts and crafts, gardening and woodworking together, and trips to their cousins’ house are all much more a part of our family identity than our looks or our history of adoption.
We don’t claim to be something we’re not, but we do want the girls to identify with us without losing their uniqueness. I think the thing to do is to celebrate all aspects of family heritage. We talk about wanting to go to both Ireland and Korea with our children when they are older. Granted, my husband and I between us have six different ethnic heritages, some of which we know a lot about and some next to nothing. It would be pretty hard to incorporate them all, but we try to sometimes, to take the focus off the girls’ heritage and emphasize that our whole family, like most Americans, hails from somewhere else.
“We’re a French-Canadian, Irish, and Korean-American family,” I tell them.
A comment my seven-year-old daughter made the other day should put even my mother’s fears to rest.
“You know, Mom,” she said, “you’re pretty short, even for a Korean.”
Well, I guess she identifies with me.
Please see these related blogs:
How Do My Adopted Kids Think About Skin Color?
Extended Family’s Attitudes about Skin Color
Celebrating Your Child’s Heritage