Most of us single parents know only too well that, when time is short and we have to prioritize, our own needs usually end up at the bottom of the heap.
We tend to think that it’s better to neglect ourselves than to neglect our kids, our relatives, our job, our friends, our pets, our house, our wax begonias….you know what I mean.
But is it really such a great idea to always put ourselves last? Isn’t our own physical and mental health essential to our ability to properly care for everyone and everything else for which we’re responsible?
If you have to, repeat this mantra to yourself as many times as necessary: “‘Me’ time is good for everyone….’me’ time is good for everyone….’me’ time is good for everyone….”.
The following article, “Keeping Balance Key for Single Parents,” echoes this thought through interviews with several single Moms.
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Keeping Balance Key for Single Parents
By Michael Burke
Copyright 2005, The Journal Times, Racine, WI
(Posted with written permission of the author.)
Maintaining a healthy social life may become an afterthought for a single parent who feels pulled in several directions at once. There is the child or children, work and/or school, and all the duties of running a household.
“You can get stuck in a ritual of work, school, whatever,” said Valerie Arnold-Hilliard, a single mother of three. Arnold-Hillard, 42, an administrative assistant with the Racine-Kenosha Nutrition Program, said it takes a concerted effort to have a healthy social life.
Her advice to others: “Just networking, getting out – not just coming home and sitting down in front of the TV with the remote. If someone is
looking to be social, they have to socialize themselves. Just walk around the mall … go to movies.”
For Lauren DeRose, 24, guilt is one potential obstacle to a healthy social life. She feels guilty “when I take time for myself, if I’m not
spending it with my child when I’m at work or school.”
DeRose, whose son’s father died earlier this year, explained how she tries to stave off guilt. “I try to just reassure myself that (her son) is in good hands. … He’s having fun, and he doesn’t need to be with me every day.
“It’s good for both of us not to be with each other every minute of every day.”
“Everybody needs time for themselves,” added DeRose, who works but will soon return to nursing school. “If you can’t leave the house, just watch TV or read for yourself. Just leave some time for yourself.”
DeRose’s sister, Natalie Jassoy, is in almost exactly the same situation. Jassoy, 26, works for the city Health Department and has a son whose father also died.
For her, “Finding a baby sitter is a concern. … Finding someone dependable and compatible with my son.”
Jassoy’s advice to other single parents is to “know a good balance between being a good parent and going out.” That, she said, involves knowing when to go out, how late to stay out, when the parent should be home to help with homework.
“Maybe once a month he’ll just say he wants to hang out at my sister’s house,” she said. “And I say it’s time for me to have a break too, so I’ll call a friend and we’ll go out.”
“There’s probably no reason a single parent can’t have a perfectly satisfying social life,” said Tom Galten, clinical supervisor and psychotherapist at Family Service of Racine.
“Obviously their time is limited, particularly if they have more than one child. But there are resources; people can find whatever interests them. They’re not in any different category than anybody else.”
“People differ quite a bit in how much social interaction they need to stay satisfied,” Galten continued. “That’s probably a more important factor than marital status or whether a person is a parent or not.
“It’s a struggle, but everyone has to solve it on their own. Ultimately, you have to listen to your heart, sense what your intuition is telling you and find your own balance.”