Marriage is about two people, not six. One of the largest sources of stress in a marriage can be the expectation of the people around the marriage. For example, the relative who decries how ‘perfect’ your relationship is and how you have the ‘perfect’ mate in each other. This person compares everything in their life to your marriage and they find themselves coming up wanting.
It’s hard not to look at them and say, “No, our marriage isn’t perfect. It’s not a storybook. It takes work. It takes effort. Some days, I wish … “
Finishing that sentence is dangerous because it shows you think about a time when you weren’t married. Whether you are trying to make an example or not, you can’t let this third-party’s feelings affect your own where your marriage is concerned. This goes for parents, parents-in-law, siblings, siblings-in-law, friends and much more.
Your marriage is between you and your partner; it’s not even between you and your children. In fact, children are a product of a marriage or a relationship; they are members of the marriage itself. That doesn’t mean what you and your spouse do doesn’t affect other people, of course it does – but your relationship should be based on the issues between the two of you.
Marital strife can occur when one partner’s family or the other does something that generates friction. For example, if your husband’s sister is constantly a nuisance, she’s never on time, she takes advantage of things left and right and you feel annoyed when she’s around – the natural reaction is to get irritated at your husband.
Yes, that may seem silly to some – but his sister is HIS family – HE should take care of it. HE should get her to leave YOU alone. YOU shouldn’t have to cope with THEIR problems.
In this, you’re absolutely right.
Except …
You knew that was coming didn’t you?
… while it may be natural to abdicate responsibility for dealing with fractious family members to the partner they are actually blood related to – it can and does generate resentment between spouses. If your husband doesn’t find her behavior any better or worse than he would expect from his ‘sister’ – he may wonder why you’re making a big deal out of it. He may resent that you have an issue and you want him to take care of it. Imagine how you would feel if he made a similar demand on you?
See?
However, the point is that the two of you are married. You should handle these conflicts and issues of strife together. If you have a problem with a relative, talk to your spouse – get their feedback and what they think is going on. Ask them if you are assuming intentions not evidence? If they support your interpretation, but dismiss it because that’s just “John” or that’s just “Mary” – remind them – you did not grow up with these people and while it may be perfectly acceptable for children to behave that way towards each other – you’re an adult and they need to show some respect for that.
You’d be amazed how quickly your spouse rounds to your corner. His little sister might be able to pick on him, call him names and take shameless advantage of her big brother – but you’re his wife and while you may have a sisterly relationship with her – she is not your sister. She cannot treat you as just an extension of her brother.
Yes, your marriage is about the two of you and not the rest of the family. When problems whether financial, emotional or personal come into it with other members of the family, face them together. Do not leave it to one or the other to handle it. Discuss it, brainstorm about it and make a decision together. That keeps your marriage about the two of you and the problems out of wedlock.