When we talk about forgiveness, it often sounds like a passive agreement to let something go. It’s about releasing blame and accepting that the action is done. It’s about releasing anger. It’s about releasing resentment. It’s also about not bringing the act you forgave up over and over again like a bludgeoning weapon.
There is nothing passive about forgiveness. To forgive is to commit to an act and to perform that act. Forgiveness is an action word and it takes time to develop the skills necessary to forgive someone else. Seeking forgiveness is also an action, it’s not passive. When you seek forgiveness for your own actions or behavior, you have to demonstrate contrition. You have to make an effort to apologize and make amends. You have to work to create an atmosphere that does not allow those actions and hard feelings to create a chasm in your relationship.
Healthy Marriages
In a healthy marriage, a couple can fight. In a healthy marriage, couples can disagree. Part of the reason you can do both of those things is that you can forgive in a healthy marriage as well. When you forgive, it’s not just about letting your partner off the hook. It’s about healing yourself. It’s about letting go of revenge, anger, hurt and malice. Those emotions hurt you more than they hurt your spouse. They leave you feeling empty and ill.
The act of forgiving relieves you of those negative feelings – it makes you feel better in a way that all the yelling and committing revenge can’t do. The same can be said when you are looking to be forgiven. It’s the acts of contrition and the effort to be open about how wrong you were (real or perceived here is equally important) and that you don’t want to act like nothing happened. You do want their forgiveness and you want your spouse or partner to feel better. The act of forgiveness that you want is not for you – it’s for them.
So the next time your spouse is hurt by your actions, remember forgiveness is not passive – it’s an action.
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