Friday, May 5th Fitness Funnies

I really enjoying going out on a treasure hunt of fitness funnies on the net. Some of these gems show up in my mailbox, some I find on websites and others I read out of books. Either way, I’m hoping you get to tickle your funny bone, flex your face with laughter and relieve some stress and anxiety.

So kick back, have a laugh and have a great Friday!

From FreedomFly.net:

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

From Diet Baloney:

  • If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
  • When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
  • Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for
    energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
  • Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
  • If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
  • If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off
  • Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
  • STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Good Quotes:

Oh! that this too solid flesh would melt… — William Shakespeare
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. — Alexander Woollcott

This entry was posted in About our Bloggers and tagged , , , , by Heather Long. Bookmark the permalink.

About Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago. They have a beautiful daughter who just turned five years old. She is learning to read and preparing for kindergarten in the fall. An author of more than 300 articles and 500+ web copy pieces, Heather has also written three books as a ghostwriter. Empty Canoe Publishing accepted a novel of her own. A former horse breeder, Heather used to get most of her exercise outside. In late 2004, early 2005 Heather started studying fitness full time in order to get herself back into shape. Heather worked with a personal trainer for six months and works out regularly. She enjoys shaking up her routine and checking out new exercises. Her current favorites are the treadmill (she walks up to 90 minutes daily) and doing yoga for stretching. She also performs strength training two to three times a week. Her goals include performing in a marathon such as the Walk for Breast Cancer Awareness or Team in Training for Lymphoma research. She enjoys sharing her knowledge and experience through the fitness and marriage blogs.

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