Chase has been dating Amy, a 28 year old single mother, for over a year. Things are getting serious; they’ve even been batting around the “M” word. She is attractive, kind, funny, considerate, and they both love to fish and camp. In a nutshell, she’s everything he’s been looking for in a life partner…except for one little thing… a twenty-eight pound, 3 year old little thing, named Marcus.
“Now don’t get me wrong, he’s really cute and everything” admits Chase, “but she jumps every time he cries! And I mean every time! He has totally got her wrapped around his little finger!” Chase wonders aloud, “Is that normal?!”
Chase was my thirty-something AAA tow truck driver, who rescued me from the freeway last Monday. He’s a chatty fellow, and when he found out that I work with families in transition, which means lots of step families, he launched in to his story. He hadn’t meant to date women with children; didn’t relish the idea of “raising someone else’s kids.” But time and again, in the six years since his first marriage ended, he has found himself in a relationship with a single mother.
In answer to his question, I had to answer a resounding, “Yes!” The phenomenon is common, and not limited to mothers and sons. I have seen it just as often with fathers and daughters, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons. The definitive piece is less about gender, and more about the nature of the relationship between parent and child. Has the parent had sole or primary custody? Are there other children in the house? Is the non-custodial parent in the picture?
When an unmarried parent lives alone with their child, it is not uncommon for an unusually strong bond to develop between them. The single parent becomes inured to the fact that all parenting—the decisions, the discipline, the celebrations—are theirs and theirs alone. Likewise, the child has just one go-to gal or guy, just one parent responsible for their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. It’s a tough job. This kind of interdependence results in a unique bond—one that is tough for ‘an outsider’ to understand and accept—that often comes with its own language, traditions, values, and humor.
Now, when I say that it’s normal, I’m referring not only to Amy’s behavior, but also to the perception of the soon-to-be step parent, Chase. Especially in this case, where he has no children of his own, the parent-child bond can be mystifying, and not a little annoying.
When Chase asked for my advice, I hesitated. What I had to say is often not what people want to hear. I had to know, “How serious are you about making a commitment to this girl?” He reassured me that he had every intention of asking Amy to marry him, and soon. “Then you need to understand and accept that this journey will be, quite possibly, the most challenging of your life.” Poor Chase looked stunned. Luckily, it being a weekday afternoon on a Los Angeles freeway, I had plenty of time to explain myself.
The difficulties of step and blended family marriages are myriad, but begin most often with misalignment of expectations. Planning for a wedding is a time of optimism and hope, so the realities of living together after marriage often take a back seat. Each of us enters into the union with a set of ideas about how the new family will function; what the various relationships will be like, who will be the disciplinarian, who will make financial decisions, who will cook and clean—the list goes on. What is most startling to me is how complete that picture can be in our respective minds, when very little discussion, or more to the point, decision-making, has been devoted to the subject.
Chase is expecting, and rightly so, that sometimes his needs should come first. Amy, as a single parent, is thinking that the needs of her child have always come first; a 3 year old
is not well-versed in the concept of delayed gratification, but a 33 year old man should be. Right?
On top of these disparate sets of expectations, add a liberal layer of fairytale. We all come into this arrangement with good hearts, full of good intent—we will love our step children as our own; our financial resources will be shared equally among all; the household tasks will be equally divided, and we will make passionate love every day—a lofty set of ideals to be sure, which would probably make for a pretty fabulous marriage, but very tough to adhere to at the outset, and often even more difficult as time goes on.
Chase recognizes that Marcus is a good kid; but he’s not his kid. The good news is that when a step child is very young at the time of remarriage, especially if the biological parent is not in the picture, the step parent often becomes a surrogate, and develops a very strong parental relationship with the child. But that isn’t always the case. It may be that the best they can hope for is friendship; more like a coach or a guide, than a parent. And that’s OK, as long as that doesn’t conflict with Chase or Amy’s expectations.
And finally, as the orchestrators of this symphony, we rarely bring our best selves to the effort. Despite our intentions, in times of stress and anxiety, most of us fall back into our habitual behaviors—either on the defense or on the attack—which heighten misunderstandings and hurt. As these feelings escalate, contingents square off in their corners, and what we had intended to be a beautiful dance turns into a never-ending battle.
Chase turned to look at me with a look of total despair. “Is it all bad news?” he wondered. Of course not. Although the rate of divorce among step families hovers around 60%, that means that large numbers of families are making it work. What do they do differently?
1. Align expectations before cohabitation or marriage. Be realistic.
2. Discuss and make agreements about how/who will discipline, handle the money, make decisions, and resolve conflict. Write it down.
3. Be flexible; let no one define your family’s path to success but you.
4. Be patient; it takes time and effort to bond as a family.
5. Take advantage of available resources to find tools to address the inevitable conflicts which will arise.
6. Celebrate your successes as you go; the journey is lifelong.
We pulled up to my house, and Chase began to unload my car from the flatbed. He was quiet as he went about his task, efficient and sure. He finally turned to me and asked, “Is it worth it?”
So I told him what I had learned over my thirteen year step family experiment: “One of the best-kept secrets about step family living is that it can be incredibly gratifying. Like any endeavor which seriously challenges you, the potential for growth and personal satisfaction is endless. Go forth and conquer, Chase! I’ve got all the faith in the world!”
All the same, I slipped him my business card as he pulled away from the curb. Just in case.
.