The hard and awful questions of are life are usually left in the too hard basket. Parents may have an inkling that something is wrong because their child’s behavior has changed. While some parents never even consider that it could be sexual abuse, other parents (like me) worry themselves sick over the possibility of sexual abuse but most will never raise it as a possibility with their child. Sexual abuse is a hard topic to begin talking about if it has not been part of at home protective behavior discussions.
Mebe’s story and early craving for someone to ask him about sexual abuse has motivated me to write around those hard questions. Child sexual abuse interviewing and investigations are an area fraught with legal issues. The child will need to answer investigators in their words, in their way, but within a structured way and timeframe, that suits our policing and judicial systems.
Coaching is where a child has been told what to say in relation to an abusive event. This is very bad. It is not true evidence and may result in the case going nowhere. Coaching is in itself a form of child abuse. Other questions, open-ended questions, can be used to get information and stay within legal bounds.
However, before a parent even gets to that stage, what do you say if you think that your child has been abused? I use a three-part process to my questions with adults and children:
A. Why I’m asking. I put their behavioral clusters into a knowing context (e.g. “In my experience, many kids who have had their private parts touched act like you are acting. Their behavior is their way of telling us that things are not okay. I’m just wondering what you know about kids who’ve been sexually abused?”),
B. What I’ll be doing with any information they give me. Before answering anything, I let the children know that because child abuse is against the law, I cannot keep abuse against them a secret and I may have to tell someone who can stop it from happening “e.g. “Some kids like to keep this stuff secret but the secretes get all scrambled up in their heads and makes things worse. My job is to help kids so I tell the police and ask them to come and help stop the abuse. The kids are never in trouble because they haven’t done anything wrong.”)
C. They don’t have to co-operate or answer. I give them the opportunity to decline to answer but let them know that they can talk to me at anytime, about anything that is bothering them. Sometimes children need time to think about whether they want to tell you or to decide if you are a trustworthy and safe person to tell. (e.g., “This is such a hard thing to talk about. You don’t have to answer me but if you decide you know something that I can learn from, or help you with, you can come and chat with me at any time.”)
If a child does tell me about abuse, I write it down word for word. I am clear that I have not coached or pressured the child, and that my questions were open questions, designed to allow the child to tell me what they want, not just what they think I want.
As in Mebe’s case, a trusted adult asking about the possibility of sexual abuse is often a relief. It is an opportunity for the child to talk about a topic that may be viewed as rude and unmentionable. Certainly, women that I’ve worked with have just crumbled when I’ve used the above line of questioning with them. They are grateful that somebody has finally noticed their behavior and asked the hard question.
Next article we’ll look at open and closed questions and the use of gentle probing to get more information. For today though, if a child ever tells you they have been sexually abused, we all have a moral and ethical responsibility to report it. Child sexual abuse will not go away until we start reporting the predators. Predators never sexually abuse one child; they abuse whomever they can, when they can.
For many more articles concerning the sexual abuse of children and adults, please have a look through my article list.
My FAVORIE child focused article of the day: How’s My Teen’s Driving? by Myra Turner