I can’t say for sure if single parents are more likely to experience feelings of anger and self-doubt from time to time, but it just makes sense to me.
We can be angry about so many things: being divorced or being widowed, for starters. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. We didn’t plan on this. We didn’t want this and we didn’t ask for this. Who wouldn’t be angry?
Since we can’t go around in a perpetual rage, though, most of us tend to stuff these really bad feelings away. I know I do.
Then there’s self-doubt. On an extra-bad day, don’t you have your moments when you question if you’re really up to the job, if you can actually do this? I do. How can we be sure if what we’re doing with our kids now will ultimately result in a fine adult — or a dysfunctional one?
Yet especially as single parents, it’s not helpful for us to come across to our kids as unsure of ourselves, especially since there’s no one around to reinforce what we say. We don’t want our children — who have antenna for these things! — to perceive us as being unconvinced of what we’re doing or saying.
I’m not a shrink, so I’m not pretending to give professional advice about these things. I can only share my own views based on my experience.
When it comes to anger, I think it’s just as bad to deny that you feel it as to take it out directly on your child. That’s because, though you may think you have it under control, it will work its way out in other ways: via impatience, irritability, moodiness or negativity, just to name a few.
I truly believe that strong, unexpressed negative emotions only keep us from healing. They stop us from living peaceful, fulfilling lives. They can even be bad for our physical health.
So I think that anger needs expression in a safe environment. This could be something as simple as having lunch with a close friend with whom you know you can share your feelings honestly without fear of being judged. Or it may be necessary to find a competent, capable therapist to help you understand and express the rage you may feel.
As for self-doubt, I try to remind myself that every parent must feel this from time to time, even married/partnered ones. No parent has a crystal ball; none of us can be absolutely certain that the decisions we make now will turn out to be the “right” ones.
So when I’m feeling unsure, I look for ways to feel stronger by reading up on the issue or topic and by talking with people who’ve experienced or have knowledge of the issue or topic. Then I pray.
When I’ve done everything I can do to educate myself about something, and then act according to both my mind and my heart, it helps me to consciously put it in God’s hands. I pray for His will to be done.
In short, it’s important for us to acknowledge our feelings of anger and self-doubt. Once we’ve done that, then we have to find healthy, appropriate ways to help ourselves deal with these feelings.
Because one way or another, whether we acknowledge them or not, our feelings will express themselves. I figure it’s better all around if we face them — as difficult as that may be — and then resolve them in positive ways.
Otherwise we’re empowering our negative emotions to adversely affect us; which, in turn, will have a similar effect on both our parenting and our children.