Do you ever have a secret, nagging feeling that you are inadequate as a mother? Are you ever fearful that you just don’t have what it takes to parent this very special child? What if you fail him or her? And what if your child has these problems because of something you did, or something within you that was genetically inferior?
I remember when I was a single mother, trying to make sure that my sons’ needs were being met. At that time, of course, I didn’t have my stepdaughters, but I had a son with juvenile diabetes and another with autism. I also had a preschooler and an infant–four sons who needed me. I felt overwhelmed at times. There was a terrible emptiness inside me and I was sure that something was wrong with me that needed to be repaired. If I could be left behind by a spouse, then surely I must be broken somehow. Isn’t garbage what people discard? Why was I expendable to the father of my children? I had given everything I knew how to give and it wasn’t good enough. So how could I–this disposable person–properly parent her kids?
Feelings of Inadequacy
I made a lot of mistakes during those years. My family was a tremendous support to me. I have one sister, in particular, who gave up everything in her life to move into my home and assist me. She was my close friend, my confidante, and the other set of hands, eyes, and ears that I desperately needed. She was like an angel on earth. And I’m sure I leaned on her far too heavily. Since she was emotionally healthier than I was, I often worried that my children might prefer her mothering to mine. Would my boys abandon me, too? How could I repair the things inside me that were broken?
One Day at a Time
Time taught me many things. I learned that I could not solve all of my children’s problems, or cure their diseases or disabilities. When I looked ahead into the future and contemplated treatments, therapies, and doctor appointments it was mind-boggling. I couldn’t take it all in, but I could move forward one day at a time. I could use a calendar, write down appointments as they were scheduled, and then not think about them until their day arrived. I couldn’t face six weeks, six months, or six years worth of all the things I had to do for these children. But I could face today. I could get them breakfast and lunch and dinner and read them stories. I could make sure they got their insulin or arrived at school, piano lessons, or cub scouts–just for today. Then I could cross it off and move to the next day. THAT I could do. In the meantime, I would have to forgive myself for my mistakes. I loved my boys with every part of me that could feel. I wasn’t going to let them down. Today they would get everything they needed.
Paydays
Those todays have stretched into years, and I am proud of my own inner-strength and accomplishments. I am continually impressed by my sons and their courage. They are responsible, good boys who want to succeed and do what’s right. Recently my oldest son sang a solo in front of his entire school. What a moment that was for me. It was one of those “paydays” moms get. “That’s my son. I am so proud.”
Recognizing My Own Worth
I believe in karma. I believe that what we send out into the universe comes back to us in some way. By some miracle, I found a way to not only parent my children, (which now include three daughters) but to make my own personal dreams come true. What matters is that I started to see my own worth for the first time in my life. I learned that I cannot expect anyone else to meet my needs or make me feel valued. As I’ve witnessed while mothering my kids, I have to nurture my own dreams, just for today. I can now declare with confidence that I have immense worth—not only to my children and my current husband, but to myself and my maker.
And so do you.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.