Many adoptive parents are partially motivated by a desire to help children. When considering adopting children with special needs, many of us struggle to balance this impulse with the very human dreams we have about raising children and with the reality of what we believe we have the energy, emotional fortitude and resources to handle.
Sometimes our motives are questioned by others too. A friend of mine was challenged as to why she did not want to adopt a child with mental handicaps. If your desire is truly to help children, her interrogator said, you’ll adopt the child who needs you the most. My friend is a very spiritual, very charitable person and she agonized with herself for weeks after facing this question. Childless, she had a medical condition affecting her ability to bear children. She was a teacher and had naturally cherished dreams of teaching her children, sharing her love of books and ideas, watching them graduate from college.
I’ll just say briefly that no one has the right to question you unless they are willing to walk in your shoes. Some people do not approve of adoption at all. Some people are influenced by the media-fed, and only occasionally reality-fed, perception that adoption is a matter of how much one can pay for the most perfect baby possible.
The greater issue, however, is not others’ perceptions but our own feelings. It is good to mentally stretch yourself and investigate options to help you do things you never thought you would do. Many children are waiting on adoption “special needs” lists because of correctable conditions—like a cleft palate—or minor issues such as a birthmark or missing toe. But in the end, it is not helpful for anyone to take a child out of pity, anymore than it is helpful to marry someone out of pity. Most people would not marry someone just to get them a green card or health insurance or a place to live. A few people might, but adopting a child is even more serious— if it is dissolved or not finalized, or if a child can sense that it is a duty not love, I believe that is even more traumatic to a growing child’s self-esteem than a divorce would be to an adult.
Please see these related blogs:
What Kinds of Special Needs Do Kids Awaiting Adoption Have?
A Soul-Searching Question: What Special Needs Could We Handle?
I Vowed I’d Never Look at Those Photos Again…